monthly update

OK so here is the monthly update... I keep thinking I will have more time to write and become better at this but....well you can see how well that has worked out.  

The littles have been with use for a month and a day now.  There have been ups and downs.  I have been getting a crash course in Momma-hood.  The therapists tell my parents that they have to be the "Parents" and I have to be a sister.  Do they have any idea of what it is like to take on and raise three sibs at the same time??? I do not think so!  I think they are only used to people adopting one child at a time.  In that case, I could understand their reasoning.  Its part of the bonding process.  However, with three littles that is crazy!  Mom could take care of things on her own when Dad is a work.  I know she would be fine but it makes things easier to have help.  As I have written these few sentences I have had to stop and run to check on one sib in the bathtub (The 6 year old. The others DO NOT ever get left alone in the bath!) to make sure she is soaping up and then I had to go on a search for a treasured toy car for another because he cannot go to sleep without it!  

I cannot tell if this experience is making me want to stay away for parenthood or long for it. Right now its a toss up.   Most days, even though I am exhausted and sometimes frustrated by the kiddos I know in the depths of my soul that I want littles of my own.  I long for it.  However, I am OK with just getting on the job training for now:)

  I have been getting jealous of my brother Justin and my friend Katrina.  The kids will scream their names in joy and run to them.  Do they have that reaction to me? Nope.  I know it is because I have to change their diapers, put them in timeouts, wipe their noses and all that fun stuff.  Do they run to me when they get hurt or want a kiss? Yes, and that is what makes it all worth it.  I may not be in the role of favorite aunt or big sib but that is OK because I am in the role of big sis/mom. 

I know this is a super short blog tonight but I can barely keep my eyes open and I have to get up early to have family portrait taken and I still haven figured out what I am wearing!

Many Blessings to you all! Merry ________ (insert holiday of your choice!)   

My new sibs

Its been four days since my new sibs came home to stay.  I am fighting off a horrible cold so I cannot type much but I wanted to update everyone on the happenings.  I cannot imagine ever feeling like this is normal and yet already I cannot imagine how our lives would be without them in it!

K's smiles and kisses- what a little monkey he is!, M's hugs and playing fairies with her, and little JJ's cute little nose and fake cry whenever he wants to get your attention.  I cannot wait until the court date to finalize the adoption but in my heart its already completely done!  

I now have: 4 brothers and a sister! I am one of six kids!!!! YAY!

Calendar meeting

Today was the Calendar meeting- for those of you that are not clued into the adoption world (no worries I am learning all of the lingo as well!!) a calendar meeting is where the adoptive parents to-be, social workers, foster parents, and sometimes therapists all meet and figure out what the best transition method/plan will be for the kids.  For us that means we finally have a date when we get to officially meet the kids! yay!!!! (and at the same time- EEKKK!!!).   Mom and Dad get to go and spend an hour with them on Saturday.  I am a bit jealous that I do not get to go but I am happy for Dad especially since Sat is his 50th birthday.  What better present than getting to meet your new babies?  Sunday Justin, Kaleb, and I will get to go out with Mom and Dad to dinner with the kids.  Once the meetings start things will move pretty quickly.  On the 25th we will have our candle light ceremony and the kids will come home to stay.  Considering that that is only 18 days from now, that is SOON!  It is so hard to imagine that our lives will changes so completely within so little time.

I am excited beyond words and terrified as well.  I want this change and know, truly deeply know, even as it scares the crap out of me, that this is the right thing.  Still it is a huge change.  I will no longer be the only daughter of the house.  I will not get to spend as much alone time with my mum or even J and K  or dad.  I will not be able to watch what ever I want on TV or the computer because I will need to make sure little eyes do not see things they are not meant to. Still, the benefits are there as well.  I will be gaining a little sister, something I have wanted since before K was born.  I will be gaining new little brothers and get to learn how to take care of babies.  Which is something that I have been longing to learn and do.  It is strange how the want to be a mother has taken hold of me so strongly.  I am half hoping that by taking care of my new baby brothers that longing will subside for a bit. At the same time I am hoping it doesn't...hmm guess I will find out soon!  I will get to see the world though a child's eyes again and delight with them in simple things like the sight of a truck or a butterfly.  I look forward to seeing the world that way again.

Tomorrow Mom and I are going shopping for car-seats for the boys.  Our neighbor and dear friend and her husband are buying them for us.  I cannot imagine how we would be able to afford this adoption without other kind people chipping in to help us get necessary items.  I truly think God has been watching over us in this adoption since we have been blessed to find almost everything as an amazing bargain or simply given things that we wanted but could not afford.  It has been a humbling and wonderful thing to experience.   I pray now that God will continue to bless us and take care of all our needs.  I also pray that all of my new sibs will be completely healthy.  I am so utterly thankful for all the gifts we have already received.  

 

On a different topic:

As to my last post, I am not dressing Plain- yet.  I still find myself imagining the prayer cap on my head and walking with black shoes and stockings in a dress that is simple yet lovely.  I will see a reflection of myself as I walk past windows on campus and I see that image superimposed over my reflection.  And yet... today I wore makeup and styled my hair.  I felt pretty and enjoyed the freedom of wearing pants.   I have realized that for now I shall be modern and "english" and I will hold off on being Plain.  Who knows what the future will bring though.  I feel as though I am two halves of one person.  One truly, wants and feels the need to be Plain.  The other is a modern girl to the core.  Someday I will figure out how to make both halves happy but for now I am going to take the somewhat easier path of being "modern" and will respect the Plain half and the things I have learned about myself and others because of it.  It will not go away since it is firmly embedded in my roots (for those of you who don't know- my mother's family is Mennonite and that is how I was raised).

Many Blessings to you all!    

Being Plain?

Currently I am struggling over the issue of being Plain.  I feel this great tug to dress Plain.  Yet, at the same time I also love dressing in lots of colors with scarves and jewelry always jingling.  What is the right path for me?  What should I do?  These are the questions that have been plaguing me for some time now.  

For school I did an auto-ethnography study on dressing Plain in main stream society.  For almost two weeks I dressed Plain.  I hated it and I loved it.  There is the utter simplicity of dressing Plain.  You don't have to worry about what you are going to wear nor do you have to worry about how you look.  You go as God meant you to look without makeup or extra stuff.  It was a release and yet at the same time it was a prison for me.  I wanted to wear makeup.  I was stared at everywhere I went.  I felt like I was always on display and yet no one really looked at ME.  It was just my clothes.  I do not want to feel like that again yet my heart and soul loves the ideas that come with dressing simply.  I like working around the house and cooking.  I think I would really like being Plain- especially if I had other people around me who held similar beliefs.  

I do not proscribe to all of the beliefs that come with being an old order mennonite or dressing plain.  I believe in God/Goddess, in metaphysical representations of the Bible and not adhering to every single word in it, I believe that being gay is not a sin or something that is "wrong"- I believe God made each one of us exactly how He/She wanted, and I believe in being open to other religions.   

So where does this leave me?  How can I fit into both worlds?  How can I choose to be Plain and still go to school and be respected?  How can I date when I dress like this?  I guess I will leave all of that up to God.  I just need to find the path that makes me the most happy.  

updates

There is so much to tell and so little time...hmmm....where to start?

Classes at UNM are going very well.  I am enjoy all of my classes for very different reasons.  I have an art history paper due next week- I am a bit nervous about it but I think it will turn out well if I can just sit my butt down and get to it!

The really bit news is that we were selected and said YES to a sib group of 3!  These are the little ones we have been waiting for- there is no doubt in my mind or heart about that! 

Two little boys and a girl.  R is 1 (14 months to be exact), K is 2, and Mo- my beautiful new little sis!- is 6.  They are amazing kids and are sooooo sweet!!! 

Hopefully they will be in our home permanently just before Thanksgiving!!!!  In NM you can finalize adoption 3 to 6 months after a child is placed in your home!  That means by this spring they will be legally ours!!!!!!!!!  

Food!

Yummy yummy veggies!  This morning Mom, Justin, and I worked on finishing the winter garden plot.  We hauled bricks from the front yard to the side yard and finished making the circular garden plot that is by the chicken coop.  Mom and I went out to by dirt- unfortunately, the way everything is going up in price we found out dirt has gone up in price too!  and to top it off they didn't have any top soil or have any ordered.  So we are now on a quest for top soil.  

I dug up the potatoes in one of our garden beds today. I got size lovely red potatoes that will go in our soup pot.   Mom had pulled up our zucchini plants- they were looking pretty bad by this point.  I really needed to thin them out when they were young they ended up being way to crowded.  Oh well, you live and learn!  Anyway, so I while I dug up the potatoes I got the ground ready for planting some fall crops.  I need to get them in tomorrow or I will be risking things getting to late.  I am hoping to have a lovely plot of salad greens as well as some other veggies that will help out this fall/winter.  

This evening Mom and I went to the State Fair to help Justin take down the flower show.  J has been working at the flower show since the beginning of the fair and yesterday he asked if Mom could help him with the take down of one of the shows.  Apparently they have not been having very many volunteers, which makes for a long night of cleaning up before the next show.  I tagged along with Mom to help out.  When I got there I started calling dibs on the produce- because not only are there flowers but there is also produce that gets judged.  Mmmm yummy yummy award winning veggies and fruit.  One of the people who entered his product came in to collect his ribbons and the produce.  "Awww,  you are taking the zucchini.  We were eyeing them and hoping to take them home"  I told him (the farmer- quite cute btw). 

 "Oh! do you want them?"  

"No, no I couldn't take them if you were going to use them!" I replied as he extended the lovely large green squash.   

"I was just going to take them home so they wouldn't go to waste but if you want them I have plenty at home!" He said handing them to me. 

 "wow, thank you so much!"  And away he left...mmmm yummy veggies from a yummy farmer.  lol.  

Unfortunately, some other people thought they looked good too so I only got two of the smallest zucchini to take home.  Should have taken them out to the car right away!  Lol, oh well I don't come away completely empty handed.  In fact, Mom and I came home with a considerable box of produce- carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, butternut squash, tomatoes, peppers- hot and bell as well as some other kinds, apples, pears, and a few other odds and ends.  Oh! and I also came home with two lovely tomato worms.  They are really quite beautiful.  Granted I am not going to be taking them out side to my garden anytime soon but they are lovely non the less!

All in all a wonderful day!    

faith

I am working on having more faith.  God has given my family so much and has taken care of us when we truly needed it, how can I not have faith?  I know I talk a lot about God or Goddess or the universe in this blog.  I probably talk more about my faith and spirituality here than I do anywhere except within my home with my family.  God plays a huge part in my life.  Since I was very young I have known that He/She was with me always.  Sometimes I lose sight of God but that does not mean that He/She is not always with me.   I am not specifically religious however.  Pagan spirituality and religions have always intrigued me.  For a long time I associated myself as being Wiccan.  In some ways I still do but lately the simple or plain way of living that  (some) Mennonites and the Amish have has been drawing me.   I feel pulled in two very different directions.  One is the life in the movie business, the fast pace, the adrenaline, the money, everything....the second direction is giving up most modern day conveniences and living the Plain way.  I have even considered dressing Plain.   I love God, when I start to get down if I remember God (I am working on doing that all the time!) I am filled with peace and usually with happiness.  However, I am not as fond of the way Christianity portrayed by people today.   Peace is a BIG deal to me and I do not like how many Christians believe that God and Peace are totally separate. This is not an attack on anyone or anyone's beliefs it is simply how i feel- nothing more nothing less.  I am not fond of the Bible- that is not right I am not fond of the hateful things people have done in its name.    

You know how most people run and hid when the Jahveh Witnesses come to their door- well sometimes I do too but most of the time I answer the door.  I am polite and I agree with them on their points when I think they are true.  Do I read thorough their pamphlets?  No, not usually but I do seem to feel happier when they leave (not because they have left!) because they are usually so filled with God's light and peace that it is hard not to like people who have such faith.  I am not saying I am going to become a Jahveh Witness but I admire them for their commitment and faith.  Just as I admire anyone else from any religion that shows such faith and shines with such love and light.  God is a wonderful thing no matter what form He/She takes.

the past can hurt

Tonight I went and saw the play "Rabbit Hole" with some of my friends.  It was amazing and gut wrenching.  I had no idea what I was walking into and though "hey, a play with some of my friends.  I can have a fun girly time-I really need that."  While, it was really wonderful to see my friends I am not sure "fun" is the word I would use for this play.  The play is about a family dealing with the accidental death of their 4 year old son.  Its about grief and how each person deals with it differently.  

The lights came up on the stage and the mother is talking to her sister all the while folding clothes.  As i watched the clothes get folded one by one I suddenly had the gut wrenching feeling of "Oh God no, please no, don't let it be about this....please." 

All of the emotions, all the grief of losing our kids, I thought I had dealt with came back rearing its head.  By the first few minutes I was barely holding on to the grief that swamped me.  By intermission, I has just barely held on to my tears.  By the second act, I was a goner.  Tears flowed, snot dripped, and grief overwhelmed me.  

I sit here typing this with a brick on my chest.  It was good this happened because I obviously need to deal with these feelings a bit more.  I cannot keep them hidden away, pushed in a dark corner of my heart and mind so that I do not accidently stumble upon it-in theory at least.  Unfortunately, or fortunately my heart and God knows better than I do and out comes the grief.  I will spend sometime honoring it then I will move on.  I won't ever lose it (because this kind of pain never truly goes away) but I can learn from it and move on so I can be ready to love our new kids with all my heart. 

Going back to school

I finished my first week back at UNM.  I am not sure how to react to being back in school.  I love learning, love it, but being back in the wonderful but tense college environment is something I am still getting used to.  I am honestly not sure if I like being back in school.  Not only do I have the stress of homework again but I am also under the looming deadline of a payment plan.  I am really hoping for a storyboard job again soon.  

Classes should be interesting.  I think I am holding my breath until the first assignment is turned in and graded.  Once that is over with I think I will be much happier and can get back into the swing of things. 

I also think that if i could just start feeling good again that might help a lot! I probably shouldn't expect so much.  Kr has only been gone two weeks...is that possible?  and my body is just starting to get back on track.  still I am tired of being in pain and sick it is just not a lot of fun!  

hmmm enough complaining! 

 I got some new chicks today...3 of the 4 others seemed like they were becoming roosters!  One rooster is too many in the city and three roosters is impossible.  I went back to the store today and got 3 new little chicks.  They are very cute and are friendly- which is the most important thing to me!  

I got a new haircut a few days ago.  It is super short, very cute, kind of a pixy cut. I go back and forth between feeling super cute and feeling very masculine.  I think that I will come to love the haircut given a few more days but right now I still put my hand to my head and think "where is all my hair?".  It all goes back to me being insecure about myself when I was younger with short hair.  People would mistake me for my brother Justin.  I think i was scarred for life when one of his friends came up to me talked to me for about 3 minutes said good bye and never figured out that I wasn't my little brother!   I know that I have grown up a lot since then and Justin is about a foot and a half taller than me so I no longer can be mistaken for him but I still have a complex apparently.   Silly of me I know! I guess it is one more thing to work on.  

There is some possible adoption news but we don't want to tell people about it until we know for sure.  When and if it happens I will post the news right away.  

Good night!  and Bright Blessings!!!

Canning and Sewing

This morning I woke in a great deal of pain.  Not the way I was hoping to start my day.  I spent the first part of the day in bed hoping the pain would go away.  I finished reading Wild Magic by Tamera Pierce.  It is one of my all time favorite books as is she one of my all time favorite authors.  Reading helped me get through some of my pain.  Unfortunately, I missed lunch with my class mates from the FTTP.  Once a month us girls have been trying to get together to keep in touch and support each other.  I also cancelled a makeup gig I was going to do tomorrow.  I was really looking forward to the money it would bring in as well as working with Dan and Maria again but I did not want to leave them in the larch incase the pain did not subside by tomorrow.   Maybe not the wisest move since the money would probably paid my book bill for UNM this semester.  Ah well, easy come easy go.  

At about 1:00 I had had enough of laying around.  I could not stand to be bed ridden anymore even if I was in a lot of pain.  I got up and decided to go ahead with my plans for canning the grapes I had harvested yesterday from Nana's neighbor.  I got out the three grocery bags full of grapes and started washing.  

I found out several things in this process, the main one being canning concord grapes is not the easiest foray into the canning world.  If you do not know already concord grapes have seeds which means that you have to first boil the grapes then strain the juice out of the grapes before you can start the jelly making process.  It is a hot and sticky affair.  Though I will not be attempting to can these kind of grapes again for a little while I did have a wonderful time.  It was enough to get my mind concentrating on something else so I was relatively pain free for about 3 hours.   I made 6 jars of somewhat runny jelly and I am very proud of it!

After the canning, I set to cutting out the pattern and material for the skirt I am making.  So far I enjoy cooking much more than sewing.  I may get burnt a bunch when cooking- and especially  canning- but it seems like a very small price to pay compared to getting stuck with pins all the time!  Ah well, I am learning quickly which way to set the pins so I do not get stuck in the future.

This homesteading thing is awfully hard.  Still the feelings of pride and accomplishment I get from making all of these things by hand instead of going out and buying them is well worth a few burns and stuck fingers.  

learning to be a "Godly woman"

I have been working on learning to be a "Godly woman" - I chuckle when I type this.  Kaleb had a homeschooling series for Mennonites (especially Mennonite girls) teaching you how do chores, cook, sew that kind of thing.  They referred to the skills in the book as learning to be a Godly Woman.  I found this highly amusing and it stuck with me for a long time.  

For anyone who knows me, you know that I have never been one to cook, I cannot stand cleaning, and being a housewife in general has not been my idea of fun.  

For some reason all of a sudden I started cooking.  At first it was an peach pie, now it has been chocolate pudding from almond milk, zucchini bread, and tonight biscuits and gravy.  Not only am I cooking but doing the dishes suddenly doesn't seem so much like a chore anymore, moping the floor, sweeping, cleaning the bathrooms, all of these things seem while not buckets of fun not horrible.  I love being out in the garden now and tending my chicks.  I have always wanted to homestead but before the idea of all the work involved seemed too much.  Now I am excited by the prospect!  

I love waking up early and working all day.  It makes me happy.  

Well, I better go start dinner before Dad gets home.  Many Blessings!

Free!

On Monday afternoon Megan came and took Kr to a treatment respite home.  She will be there a week before she travels out to meet her new adoptive family.  I pray that everything works out for Kr and for this new adoptive family.  

I know we must seem like a horribly fickle family to those of you reading not more than 4 posts ago I was talking about how we thought we might adopt Kr.  I wish I could make people understand what we have gone through in the past 7 (?) weeks- I've lost track of time- but that is an impossible task.  Even my Grandmother does not understand our glee and sadness too at having Kr gone.  The sadness is not that she is no longer here but that she has gone through so much and yet chooses to be angry, bitter, mean and not learn from all of her hard experiences.  People say "oh that is so sad"  "poor thing" "what a hard life she has gone through".  Yes, and yes to all of those things but she has chosen not to learn and grow in positive ways from each new hardship.  She constantly looks on the negative.  she does not have empathy for others (or at least much) and she will constantly try and best you by having had a worst day or know more than you or in whatever way you can think of.  Look up ODD and you might have the tinniest idea of what we have been dealing with.  However, the arguing once or twice a week (?!) that is a laugh how about once or twice an hour or a half hour or every ten minutes. 

I hope for only the best for her.  I pray that this new family she will be entering has the skills and the knowhow to handle her issues.  I pray that she can learn to love, trust, and be happy! 

Now it is time for us to be happy again!!! 

sanity or insanity? that is the question...

HAHAHA...slightly mad.  I had no idea that things could get worse- but they could and did.  I was reading some of my latest blogs and well the annoyance- and that is all it was comparatively- I felt when Kr. first came into the house was nothing compared to the down right insanity that I am now feeling.  My mind is literally shutting down and breaking apart.  I simply cannot go into all of the details of what has been happening but tonight mom locked up all of our knives.  Before that it was the meds before that it was the computers and the phone.  This has been an on going nightmare- and yes I have literally been having nightmares about her too!   

Being scared of what each new temper tantrum/blowout will bring has become second nature.  I said last night that I did not believe she would ever do anything violent- she hasn't Done anything yet but I am no longer so certain that she will not.  she has "unintentionally" been beating up mom slowly but steadily.  I say "unintentionally" because all of them have "seemed" like accidents so far but after she says "sorry" she will often laugh.   Like to night she punched mom in the stomach.  She flung her arms out (she knew mom was siting right beside her- hard not to notice that) and smacked mom in the tummy.  Mom said "OW!" and Kr replied "sorry." then burst out laughing.   That was only the episode I could hear as mom was putting her to bed...I found out more once mom came out of her room.  

This is getting ridiculous.  We are all walking like zombies in our own home.  Exhausted (that is the only word i can think of right now but it does not adequately describe how we are actually feeling) from having to deal with the constant arguing, blowouts, and negativity.    I am so beyond being done.  I know the rest of the family feels the same way.  

One of the things I hate the most about this situation is how two faced she is.  She is so sickeningly sweet to other people that even mom's dear friend Barb who walks with mom every night could not/ would not believe the things we were telling her.  Finally Kr slipped up and showed her other face to Barb and now she believes us.  I feel so bad about thinking badly of B and S the adoptive parents who gave her up.  I get it now.  She had us taken in completely when we first met her.  We have only had to deal with her for almost 7 weeks and we are all DONE with her!  They had to deal with her for a lot longer.  

Am I thankful for this experience and the lessons I have been learning- yes.  Am I ready for this lesson and experience to be over?- YES!!!

Please Please PLEASE God let our next foster/adoption experience be filled with love and happiness and not heartache and insanity!  Please let the kids have very little to no problems.  Please let them have open hearts that are ready to love and Can love and please let them have easy wonderful personalities.  Maybe I am asking too much but after what we have gone through with the last adoption/foster experiences please let us be in for some happy times and good luck!  

Thank you

I'm going slightly mad

I'm going slightly mad...and i wish that i was just quoting the lyrics of a Queen song!

What is it about today that made me crazy?  maybe it was the fact that i have had to deal with at least 20 arguments (probably a lot more), angry glares, and general negativism from little sis.  Maybe its because we haven't been well informed by our social worker and so a scathing letter was written and a not so nice response was sent back to us. Now we maybe royally screwed because of angering the director of our adoption agency- we had every right to be pissed off and we were getting screwed either way.  Unfortunately, now things are out in the open and before they were being kept quiet.  Maybe it was because Dad got into a car crash today.  Or maybe its because I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to make sure this weird bug bite on my neck is not from a tick with lymes disease.  hmmm....hard to figure out what has sent me over the edge.  All i want right now is for little sis to be out of the house already! i cannot take much more of the resentment (on my end and hers) and the constant annoying, frustrating, down right stupid and dangerous (to herself) behaviors!  ARGH!!!!!!!!!! 

OK i better go face the music and have dinner with the family.  Pray I survive without saying anything too stupid.  

busy busy life

Sorry about the long time break from blogging.  Life has been crazy- in wonderful ways for the most part.  I got a break as a storyboard artist.  This morning I finished up the last of the scenes that had been assigned for the first two episodes of Easy Money which will air on the CW this fall.  I am really hoping that I get called back and become the main storyboarder for this show.  Still whatever happens i have had a blast so far and am so very thankful for the chance!  

Things with Kr. are touch and go.... sometimes (most of the time now) they are good and others I want to run screaming from the house.   She is much like any 12 year old, just with everything amped a thousand times.  Totally understandable considering what she is going through and what she has gone through but it doesn't always make living with her the easiest.  Still, it has been a good learning experience and I am thankful it happened/is happening.     

Well, I have to run off to the Shotgun start of Duke City Shootout- the local film fest competition.  So once again I will probably be away for a bit...sorry!   I will catch you all up on the goings on of life in the crazy wonderful place I call home soon! 

nope to the 5

Once again we have decided to say no to a group of children.  We had high hope about this group-even though we knew nothing more than their ages- but unfortunately there were some issues that we could not handle.  One of the children was sexually abused and was acting out on other children including his sibs.  It such a sad and horrible thing since in all other respects he seems like a very sweet child.  Really he just needs a lot of therapy and a family that does not have or want younger children.    I really believe that siblings should stay together but when one is hurting other it is time to separate them.  I am not saying they should not have any contact- no i think sib contact is a must! but live is the same house? no. 

Tension has been running rather high the last few days.  I know I have a fair share of the blame in that respect.  Kr has come to stay with us for a while- how long i do not know nor does anyone else at this point. She is a lot like me, at least when I was her age.  She is of course going through a lot of really hard stuff because of losing yet another family.  I cannot even imagine how hard it must be.  Every time she calls B and S mom and dad it breaks my heart. I think because of this she is extra clingy.  Its perfectly understandable but it is also annoying the heck out of me.   I think its my little girl in me that is annoyed because the adult me understands what she is doing.  The little girl in me is pissed off that she is always around and that i never have time to spend with my mommy.  Irrational yes- but it is still there. It certainly does not help that i am going through a crap load of PMS right now on top of everything. I do not know how to deal with this.  I called Megan the director of La Familia, who is also Kr's social worker, yesterday because she said that if I needed to talk she would make time for me.  Unfortunately she never returned my call.  I feel like I am going crazy with all of these stupid and childish emotions.  

To make things even harder, mom has said that she is basically waiting on me to make her decision about Kr.  If i can work through this stuff because if i can then we will probably move ahead with adopting Kr- or at least fostering her long term.  I know that she means that she will not pick Kr over me but I hate that it comes down to whether or not i can get over my crap.  I don't know how.  I am really trying but I find myself shutting down.  I guess I will have to see what the next few hours and days bring.  Maybe something will just snap one way or another. 

 I am really crappy with change.  I try hard to be flexible and easy going but I am pretty bad at it.  I am sure a lot of these feeling just have to do with the changes that we are going through as a family, along with the similar personality traits, and the PMS... all of those combined are making me go crazy and depressing the heck out of me.

Despite all of this I really do like Kr a lot.  

5 kids!

We got chosen for the Five kids!  the oldest is 10 and the youngest 1.  We don't know anything more at this time.  We are waiting for the full discloser paperwork now....

will update when we know more.

Ahh for the confusion and annoyance of adoption.  Well, we decided not to take Kr then since they have no where to place her right now we decided to take her for short term respit/foster care until they find her a place.  Which will probably mean- if she does not annoy us to death- that she will be staying permanently.  Still, I really have no idea what is going to happen. 

Robin, a social worker from OK, called yesterday asking my mom to fax in our signature page of the home study because she had a group of kids she thought we would be great for.  When Mom asked about them Robin told us she was not able to tell us anything until she got the signature page but that there were 5 kids and the oldest was around 10 years old and that was it.    Oh and they are going to committee today!  We know nothing about these kids but apparently we are going to committee for them...well, we will just have to wait and see what happens. 

I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens with everything! lol what an interesting life this is!

new lessons learned

Well, the lesson of don't count your chickens before your eggs hatch is a very good one.  

I said to soon that we would be taking in Kr.  After reviewing all the information my family has decided against taking her on even as a foster child.  Because lets face it with my family a foster child who is legally free for adoption basically just means a bit slower transition into our household as a permeant member of the family.  Once something or someone comes into our house they become family.   

Now the final "no" has not been made yet so I am not going to say with complete certainty that this is a no but i am pretty sure...as sure as i was last night when i wrote that it was a yes.  Which is to say I don't have the faintest foggiest clue in God's green earth what the hell is going to happen!   This whole adoption process stinks!  I hate being a 'child' in this situation and seeming to be one step behind everything.  I talk to mom for at least 3 hours a day about adoption ....so say we have been doing this for a year and a half thats 547 days x (at least) 3 hours a day that equals out to be 1,641 hours spend just Talking about adoption!  and yet i am still out of the loop.  I just don't know what to expect anymore!  I wish it was as easy as in the movies.  You want a child so you go to some orphanage and see a baby that is perfect and cute point to it- pick it up- and its yours!  no crazy crap, no massive expenses, no heart ache as you learn what people have done to a child and what the child has done....simple, clean, easy.  Still that is not how the world works and that would give a lot of people who really shouldn't be parents the chance to be parents.    

I have learned not to get my hopes up or count on something until it is signed, sealed, and delivered!    Maybe that is a jaded way of looking at things but it is the only way to survive this process.  I simply do not know what the future will hold.  Will we be a big family? or will we be so discouraged by the continued losses and hardships that we give up?  Should we even be a big family?  I suppose God only knows the answers to these questions...and right now I seem to be hearing what God wants wrong because I keep getting surprised by how things turn out.  I guess it was silly for me to ever think I had a clue what God wanted from us as a family and from me individually.  

full discloser

This evening we went to full discloser for Kr a 12 year old girl who will be coming to live with us.  I cannot tell you many details since it is not allowed (I signed a confidentiality form) but i can tell you that full discloser is a sobering experience.  You hear everything that the child has ever done- mainly just the "bad" since the good is usually not made note of.   If you think about it, none of us would sound like very good people or at least people you would want to invite into your home if someone was making note of every argument, of every mistake and thing done in anger/pain.  That is without most of us having gone through even half of what children in the system go through.  Needless to say full discloser is not for the faint of heart.  As a "child" or at least not a parent i was not allowed to read through the paperwork, I am thankful for that.  Just having heard about what Kr has gone through was enough.  Mom and Da have to read through a 3 inch stack of paperwork describing what Kr has gone through and then at the earliest let the social worker know tomorrow.  

 

Tomorrow we will make the call and say whether or not we will take Kristina.  We will.  She is a hard child and it is not going to be easy but already it is hard to imagine life without her in it.  It was not what we were expecting on our adoption journey.  We have only know about Kr for 2 weeks now and if we say yes (which we will) she will begin living here with us by the end of this week.  She will start out as a "foster child" and we will see how thing progress from there.  I find it very unlikely that once Kr is in our family for more than a week we will ever want to let her go.  I am not naive to believe that all will be pleasant and happy- it won't- but i also know our family and how deeply we love.  I cannot know the future and after our last adoption was disrupted I cannot say what God wants of us but my heart and my gut are telling me that we are on the right path.

I have already had several surprises from the way I reacted to Kr and not all of them were pleasant.  I was jealous and annoyed and angry.  Not emotions I expected to feel.  Along with those emotions were love, and caring, and wanting to protect her.  I guess that is what being a sister is really about taking the good with the annoyances.  

 Life is very rarely boring in this house and things are about to get a whole lot more interesting... Heaven help us (and I do mean that! Please God be with us on this journey!)

growing up

There are now 10 hours until my childhood friend Danielle marries her sweetheart.  I just got back from the night before party and was sitting here thinking about life.  Its funny how fast time moves.  One minutes I am playing in my back yard digging holes pretending to be a wolf and the next I am an adult who is trying to find her place in the world.  So many of my friends are getting married, its hard to believe that any of us are old enough to be adults let alone get married.  When other friends-who are not getting married- comment about it we will often both say "there is no way i'm ready to get married yet..." I lie.  I am ready or better to say I will be ready when the right person comes along.  Its the finding the right person thing that makes it hard. lol, oh well it will happen when it is supposed to happen.  

well i am off to bed, i am going to help Danielle with her makeup tomorrow before the wedding so i have to get up in about 6 hours to be all ready to go.  I so utterly happy for Danielle and Ben its really wonderful seeing two people who really love each other.  There is a tiny bit of jealously involved too because i want to find happiness like that but only a tiny bit because mostly i am just filled with joy for the two of them!  She is such a sweetheart and deserves all the happiness in the world and from what i have learned of Ben I couldn't imagine a better guy for her!  

  

Martians and Love

I just watched Martian Child with my mom.  I loved this movie.  It is about loss, love, being out of the norm, and as the theme of my life goes right now adoption.  As in most films about adoption you do not see how hard it is to actually adopt.  All of the major processes are left out- of course if they had them all in the movie then it would take up the entire two hours.  Still, I really enjoyed this movie for the message of love it left me with and for the clear resolve to adopt.  So badly do i want to be a parent but i know at this point in my life i am not ready for that step.  Instead i want to share my life with a new sibling (or siblings) who i can love and hopefully help teach that family can be forever.  

 

The hardest job we have here on this planet is loving.  There is nothing more frightening then opening yourself up to someone.  It leaves us completely open to the other person.  Sometimes, alright most of the time, when we open ourselves up to love we will get hurt.  Sometimes that pain will only be minor and other times it will leave a scar.  The main thing is that we do not shy away from love after being hurt.  Do not become embittered by that pain.  That pain, as horrible as it is, just shows us how deeply open we were to love.   It is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is a very very good thing.   

It is easy to say, "be open to love" but it is another thing all together to actually be open to love.  I have had a hard time following the advice my heart gives me because I have been afraid of the pain I would be opening myself too.  I figured that I had enough pain in my life, from my own body, that I did not need to invite in more.  How wrong I was.  The more I shut myself off to love the more my body shut down and the more physical pain I felt.  No one can survive without love- it is essential to life. I believed that the love I had for my family was enough.  When I finally opened myself up to love I suddenly caught a glimpse of the bigger picture.  Unfortunately, this time around my heart was broken but the love I felt was very real, is very real, and will always be.  I would not for anything in the world give up the experience of loving those children, even knowing now how things would turn out, even knowing that I would feel my first true heartbreak.  I have never been as terrified in my life as when I was with Katilyn and the boys nor have I felt such as strong wave of love.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family with all my heart and soul but the love I felt for those kids was different.  I was born loving my family so that was easy but loving those kids was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done.  I am so thankful to them for what they gave me and what their love will continue to give me for the rest of my life.  I am willing to be open to love now partly because I know as bad as the heartache is I can survive the pain and partly because I know it is worth it.   So world here I come ready for love!  I hope this time around love will not come with quite so much heartache but I am willing to chance it because I know it will be worth it.  

back on the look out

Mom has been back in the full swing of things adoption wise.  She spends about three hours a day checking email, calling and talking to social workers, looking at profiles of children online, and so many other things.  Anyone who believes that adoption is easy is living in a dream world.  

Today we got a call about a sib group of 8.  They are all very cute kids but boy do they have some major problems!  There are at least two with RAD, all have FAS, as well as the youngest being exposed to Meth before birth- the effects of which are simply horrible,  a few are "bonded" with each other.  The list of things and issues that these kids have go on and on...  Its really sad because non of the problems are really the kids fault but they are stuck with them.  

We have turned down two more groups in the past two weeks.  One was for a group of 8 and the other was a sib group of 2.  We decided that we are just not ready for 8 kids with the issues that these little ones had.  They were really good kids but we didn't think we could give them the home they really deserved because we would be so overwhelmed by the shear number of them!  

The two were in some ways perfect for us.  The 9 year old boy does art when he gets upset, he has been working on his issues through therapy and on his own- and he does have some major issues, he loves to read, do outdoor things, and play games.  The little girl who is 4, is a really girly girl who loves to dress up, play house, play with dolls, have people read to her, watch movies, and more...  These little ones went through some unspeakably horrible events but they seem to be working through that past extremely well.  That does not mean that there is not a LOT of work left to do but it is a wonderful thing seeing kids wanting to survive and thrive.  Unfortunately, mom felt nothing for these kids.  No maternal instinct- which for her is extremely strange since she feels motherly to everyone she meets.  For me the little boy as wonderful as he sounds when the social worker talked about him and everything we read about him but when i looked at a picture of him...i got creeped out.  I cannot explain it but it was something behind his eyes that just made me very nervous.   So even though there was no solid reason to say no- we (mom) wrote their social worker and told her thank you for all of her help and honesty but that we just could not go ahead with the group.   

So still we look, trying to find the group of kids or child that will fit into our family.  I imagine that a few years from now we may have a large family (3 more kids? 6? 10? who knows?!) but right now we are just trying to figure out what God wants us to do.  So we will wait for the Will of Heaven...and the will of the social workers!  

Die Roach Die! ....and henna

I woke up yesterday morning with my mother yelling "Die roach die!!!".  OK so it wasn't right when I woke up that I heard this lovely phrase but it was close.  My mother, who cherishes all life, who is the sweetest person I know, hates Hates roaches.  For her to let me have a pet roach is a huge thing! Huge!  Of course that is how great a mom she is.  I cannot imagine my life without her in it. She is my best friend in the world.   

I made henna today which is always a wonderful thing.  It symbolizes the beginning of summer for me as well as...well, me.  It was in henna is where I first started to find myself.  In henna I first started to have confidence.  I felt like I was good at something for the first time.  Henna makes me feel strong and beautiful.  It makes me feel close to the earth- one with God.  For me henna can heal.  I am sure that most people would scratch their head at this thought- how can henna, body art, have such a strong effect on anyone?  My response? I have no idea but it does for me.  I am looking forward to having enough time that I can cover my hands and feet and even legs in this substance.  It is how I grieve it is how I celebrate and show off my joy to the world and as it fades from my skin I move on to my next journey.  When I am not doing henna regularly I always forget how happy it makes me feel, how whole it makes me, and I do not want to make the time for it.  If you have never had henna done to you or done it to yourself let me explain.  The process of making the henna paste takes about a day then the actually design and dying process can be anywhere from 2 hours to 12.  The amount of time you let the henna stay on your skin directly relates to how dark the dye will turn out.  I try to leave on the paste as long as i possibly can since i love the way dark henna looks.  Anyway, so when i have not done henna for a while it does not seem worth it to make the time to make the henna then do the design- most of the time i force myself to make time because i know once i start doing it i will be happy.  That is what henna is for me: Happiness and Grace- a touch of truth in a world that doesn't make sense.  

Getting ready for Gram

We have been getting ready for the arrival of my grandmother.  Gram comes in Thursday morning.  The house is being cleaned top to bottom.  Projects that were half finished or barely started are being finished.  Flowers are being planted.  That is my favorite part. 

Mom and I went to the grocery story to shop for food that was on sale.  I love the 10 for 10 sales.  1o boxes of brownies for $10.  1o boxes of cereal, 10 cans of tuna, 10 bunches of bananas (why would you ever want that many bananas?), you get the picture.  It has started to become a game for us, how much money can you save?  This time we saved over $75.  Along with all of our savings this time we also bought a bunch of flowers.  This morning we planted them in the front yard.  Those of you who have seen my front yard know that there are already a LOT of plants and flowers.  Some might think that we don't need anymore but i say that is just silly.  Planting flowers not only is fun and an expression of joy but it also brings happiness and color to a neighborhood.  Everyday people walk by our house and stop for a minute to smell the roses that line our fence or stare at the humming birds whizzing around our yard from flower to flower.  Our yard literally hums with life.  We haven't ever sprayed pestisides on our plants to protect them and yet our plants grow bigger and more beautiful than anywhere else in our neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods.   I have been very proud of that fact.  Sadly, tomorrow morning we are spraying for the first time.   I hate that we are doing it but the "water bugs" aka roaches have become very prevalent in our household and with grandma coming to stay that is something that simply cannot be.  I still hate it.  I do not want the tiny ants that help protect our plants to die.  I do not want to anger any nature spirits that have been helping our plants flourish.  Yes, I do believe in nature spirits.  They are as real to me as angels, which I also believe in.   Still as much as i hate the fact that we are spraying I also hate waking up in the middle of the night to see a roach crawl across my wall- its just plain gross!  Yes, this is coming from a girl who has a Madagascar Hissing Coach-roach for a pet- however, there is a big difference between Zotara and the "water bugs" that crawl around my house so prevalently!  

Even though we are giving in and spraying the spray is at least made out of natural plant extracts that cause pesky insects to run for cover.  I am looking forward to not getting up at night and having to kill several roaches on the way to the bathroom (OK so i don't actually kill them- i cannot stand to kill anything! but it is still very gross!).

Well, off to bed.  May all of your dreams be sweet and peaceful!  Many blessings!

Joan of Arcadia

So my mom and I have been watching "Joan of Arcadia".  The premise of the show is that the main character, Joan, is much like a modern day Joan of Arc.  Joan, 16, talks to God and God talks back.  What I love about this show is how it shows part of the bigger picture.  How when we do something there are ripples that effect others.  Another thing I love is that in each episode God appears as a different person, sometimes there is a repeat character but not always.  It makes you think about how there is a piece of God/Goddess in everyone.  It also makes you think that you should be nice to everyone because you are talking to God every time you talk to someone else.  You wouldn't say something rude to God, would you?  

One of my favorite quotes goes something like this:

"Destruction happens because of a lack of imagination"  I don't have it totally right but its close.  I think that fits pretty well- if only people could look at things a different way, outside the box or whatever, maybe we could solve problems instead of creating more with wars.   

Anyway, I enjoy this show mainly because it makes me think. 

Another show that i have really been enjoying is Torchwood- totally and utterly different from Joan of Arcadia!  Torchwood, a Dr Who spin off, is a darker more adult sci fi dealing with monsters- both human and alien-, sex- gay,bi, transgender, and straight-, drugs, alcohol, and tons of other fun stuff.  I really enjoy this show because every episode involves a difficult makeup task.  I love looking at each monster or bullet wound or whatever and thinking "how would i do this?"  Its fun to figure out how they accomplished the makeup job.  I also love that a year ago i would never have been able to watch it because it is pretty gory in parts but now having done makeup it intrigues me instead of making me dizzy.  Of course, i love the character dynamics too!  Its great how this show makes it ok to be bi or gay or whatever because the main thing is to be happy.  We as a culture seem to have put a taboo on sexuality and this show totally blows that out of the water and I love it! 

Anyway thats all for tonight! hope everyone had a good day!  

art

I woke up this morning with the craving to do art!  Silk painting, diachronic glass, sketching, henna, whatever makes me feel good and might make some money too!  I haven't done henna in a long time now and I am craving to tattoo myself and others.  I plan to mix up some henna this weekend, wash some silk and by some more rubber-bands, and clean off my kiln.  

I am being rushed off to go pick out some flagstone by dad, so i will write more later!

Its been awhile

Its been a while since i last wrote and i felt that it was time to start up my adoption blog once again.  I haven't felt like I have wanted to think about adoption let alone write about it for a while.  Today I learned that our kids- I still call them that even though we didn't adopt them- have been put up for adoption separately.  While my heart weeps that they were so hurt that it is better for them to be adopted separately- no child, person, even animal, should have to go through what they did- it also cheers that CO finally decided to do what is best for the kids.  I still love those kids so much, I know that it would have torn our family apart if we had gone through with the adoption but that does not mean that we/I did not love those kids with ever fiber of my being.  There are still times when the pain of loosing them stops be cold, where all the air is suddenly gone from the room, all the light has left but I can now take a breath and wait for that moment to pass.  It feels like there was some good that came out of this pain.  Now my babies will get the help they so dearly need.  I wish with all my heart and soul that we could have been the ones to heal them but i am comforted to know that they will be getting that help.  I just pray now that they each go to their perfect family.  Someday they will hopefully know how much we loved them.  

Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  The government does not make it easy for parents of adoptive children, for the foster care workers, for the kids, or the bio-families.  There is soooo much work that needs to be done here in our own country that i simply cannot understand why we spend so much effort and money fighting wars that should not be fought.  Don't misunderstand me, i have the utmost respect for soldiers and those who dedicate their lives to making this country safe, I just don't understand why the government cannot use all of these men and women here in our own war zones that are happening on our own soil.  This past week I was a substitute at an elementary school that was in what used to be called "the war zone"  its not that bad anymore but there is still a heck of a lot still to do.   I had SUBbed at a middle school a few days earlier and it seemed like a breeze compared to taking care of those elementary students.  I loved working at both places both were such different experiences.  

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick note and say that I am going to be writing again!  

Many many blessings to all of you!  

Chimayo

I have been working Chimayo for the past three days.  Chimayo is an hour and a half (if you get to go fast on the road) away from Albuquerque.  Its a tiny little place filled mostly with adobe houses that are at least 100 years old.  There are a few really nice newer stucco houses too.  However, its not the houses that are impressive its the landscape and the view that those houses have.  When they named New Mexico the Land of Enchantment they must have seen Chimayo.   The hills ripple there and are a deep adobe red.  Their backdrop is a blue blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds.  Even on days when the sky is grey and the wind is blowing in a winter storm (much like yesterday) little rays of sunshine burst through the clouds and highlight the hills.  I don't think i can stress enough how these hills ripple- no that doesn't even begin to describe them- they dance, move, flow.   I wish i had a photo to share with you because i am not doing an adequate job of describing the pure wonder and awe I have of the place. 

Someday if you have the chance come to NM (or if you already live in NM) you should take the time to visit Chimayo.   The town will not seem like much, there are little gems there too, but the landscape is more than worth the drive.  Plus, if you like to gamble there are 5 or more casinos on the way up.  Camel Rock Casino, Pot of Gold Casino, Sports Bar and Casino, Buffalo Thunder Casino, and several more that I do not remember the names of.  Everyday, I have passed these and I am amazed by how many cars are in the parking lot of each casino at 11:30 in the morning or 1:30 in the afternoon or even early morning and non of these days have been on a weekend.  I am talking about tuesday midmorning or wednesday afternoon.  When they say gambling is an addiction they mean it! 

Well, I better get to work.  I have 65+ storyboard panels to do before sunday when my next project starts.  I am not sure how I am going to juggle everything but I am very thankful for the chance to find out!  I am happy with my life and right now I have found what I want to do- it might change tomorrow but when tomorrow comes hopefully I will be just as happy! 

Being on a real set

So for the last two days I have been on the set of a "real" set.  I have been interning/mentoring/shadowing under my teacher Grubb as a studio teacher on the set of Spoken Word.  I absolutely love it!  i get to work much shorter hours than the rest of the crew and play with two really great kids.  Its a real pleasure.  Don't get me wrong i am still tired at the end of the day- probably the hour and half drive to get to the set has something to do with that :). 

I'm not going to write much more because i am so tired tonight but i just wanted to blog about how awesome my last few days have been!

The blessing of life

I have been so angry lately.  Angry with myself, with God, with my mom, my family, even with friends.  I was just generally pretty pissed off.  I kept hearing a voice tell me "OK, its time to let it go now" -Maybe it seems weird but God, the universe, my subconscious talks to me like that all the time.  Personally I believe that its God but thats just me.   Anyway, so the voice kept telling me that it was time to let it go- the anger- and I would respond with "shut up" or "I'm not ready" or "Go away."  Not very polite to tell God/Goddess but thats what I would do.  I think I believed that if I let go of that anger then what had happened would no longer be real or no longer mean as much.  Saying it out loud makes it seem so stupid but when I was feeling that it seemed perfectly reasonable.  Finally last night, I broke down and had a good cry.  It really helped to talk out what i was feeling and realized what I had been doing to myself.  I was able to actually start healing instead of just pushing everything to the back of my mind.  Today, I am no longer angry, I'm just sad.  The pain of losing the kids, the life I had imagined for all of us, and the innocence I once had before this all began is still there and I think it will always be a part of me.  However, now I think I can actually start the healing process.  

Some major things to be thankful for:

I am excited because things are finally starting to come together in the film business.  I have two different projects I got hired on as both storyboard artist and as a makeup artist.  I also have a school production which I am working on as well.  I am soooo busy but also really happy!  I have already done 23 storyboard panels for one project (4 1/2 pages in the script) and I have about 75+ left to do.  Its a lot of fun but also a lot more work than i was expecting it to be! I have been talking to my teacher about the different ways I can get into the Union (Local 480).  I am hoping by the end of summer I will be able to get in it.  I will have to wait and see what comes about.   

I am not sure what to do about next semester.  I was reaccepted into UNM.  Which is wonderful but now I am not sure if I should hold off for a semester.  I am thinking maybe I will go to CNM for one more semester then start in the fall or maybe spring of next year.  If i do the program at CNM for one more semester I will have enough credits for Health insurance and actually be able to afford to pay for school without taking out major loans.   

Time for bed.  I have to finish a bunch more panels tomorrow for Legal Hawks and start some for Best Man.  I hope all is well with all of you!  Blessings of sunshine!

finding happiness again

Happy Easter!  A time for rebirth and release.  I am working on doing both those things.   

The pain of loosing the little ones still aches every single moment of everyday.  Things that should bother me more- like not getting the funding for Japan (at least for now)- don't. Unfortunately, that bigger pain is making me grumpy and I have been extra bitchy with my family.  Not fair at all to them.  I am trying to learn how to let go of some of this pain and anger.  Each day, things get a little better.  Just breathing becomes easier and the ache while still very much present is not all consuming.  

I keep thinking I should be getting "over" this but then I remind myself that while it feels like a lifetime since this happened its only been a week.  I have barely began to process the grieving.   I do not quite understand why this is so hard for me.  I loved the kids but I know that we did the right thing.  I think it was the fact that I broke promises and feel as though I let them down.  Maybe if we had just had a bit more faith things would have turned out differently?  Or maybe, stepping away was the bigger test of faith.  I don't know.  

I will not let this take over my life.  I am slowly finding happiness in little things again.  I had faith in God/Goddess before why should it be any different now?  It shouldn't but right now, even though i have faith that the right thing was done, I am also angry with God.   I know that I asked to be lead down the path that She/He wanted me to be on but I never imagined it would be this hard.  Silly of me really, since anyone who has given their life over to God usually has the hardest path- the best rewards- but still an extremely hard path.  

grief

I think that what I am feeling right now is something a kin to a miscarriage.  Except instead of losing one child I have lost four at once.   People keep saying "well at least you stopped things before it got too far, before you could get really hurt."  I don't know how to respond to that.  We have been talking to the kids every night at 7:00 for six weeks.  It started out as a twenty minute conversation and over the past few weeks it turned into an hour and a half conversation.  We have seen them every weekend, spent time getting to know them.  Yes, it is better that we decided to make this decision before it they came to live with us permanently but that does not mean that we were not completely in love with these kids.  There are moments when it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room and I am left there trying to breathe.  A wave of grief washes over me and I am not sure how to cope with everyday life.   I am so angry with the world for continuing to turn when my world is collapsing at the same time I am so very grateful.  Knowing that the world keeps on turning and that life can go on keeps me going.  There are other moments when the ache and the sadness of losing the kids gets pushed back and I can breath, I can enjoy the little joys in life again, I can dance to a song and be happy.  It may only last for a moment before grief hits me again but in that moment I know that I will be able to survive this, learn from it, and maybe take some good away from it.  

the decision

We are not going to be adopting the kids.  It was decided that we could not give them all of the help they needed.  I'm heartbroken.  I know it was the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier.  

peace

This morning I am filled with peace.  Last night I asked for a clear sign of what we should do and I got it.  Now what others in my family will choose to do or how they interpret  that sign is up to them.   I was so unsure of what to do, what decision I should make, how I felt, that I forgot one very important element.  God.  I started on this path with faith and that is what I need to continue doing.  God will provide whatever we need to get through this.  To not only get through this but to thrive from it.  Radical faith is what needs to happen.  Not blind faith because God does talk to us through our intuition and feelings and there was a good reason we have gone through the doubt and the panic lately.  However, radical faith asks that we jump in to the unknown and know that we will come out better on the other side- whatever that other side might hold.  It asks that we make the choice to do this.   Up until now I have felt that we did not have a choice in this adoption.  Now we do.  We were given an out that no one could argue with.  We were lied to and mislead.  Now we can choose to leap or to back off.  The unknown will always be there, waiting for us to be ready.   If now is not the right time for us than later will be.  

Logic tells me that we should run from this adoption.  That the problems the kids have are too much for one family to handle.  That our family cannot take the stress and we will crumble. That we cannot heal these children's hurts.  They are just to big to be handled as a group.   

Faith tells me that all of that is a bunch of crap.  God can do anything.  We/I asked for God to work through us and this is what He/She handed us.  If we do not take this leap of faith, God will not be angry but it will be an opportunity missed.  These kids need people who can love them.  And though logic tells all of us that we should not all of us have fallen in love with these children.  

For me adopting the kids is the right thing to do.  It scares the heck out of me but it is the path that i believe is the right one.  I will hold faith in God and know that He/She will help me with whatever i need.  

If my family decides that this adoption is not the right move, than i will respect that and know that it was the right decision.  I am not saying that i will not be heartbroken and sad to never see the kids again- because i will.  However, i have faith that what ever path is taken it will be the right one.  This is not just my path, it is my entire family's and we have to make a decision that is right for every one of us.  If that path is in the opposite direct of these kids, than so be it.  

Blessings Be

quote

I saw this quote and thought it appropriate...

"Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state" - George Eliot

I am in pain physically and emotionally.  I am also numb.  I cannot think, thinking hurts too much.  I am angry because anger is easier than the overwhelming sadness that threatens to swallow me alive.  Some how things will work out for the best, I have to believe that or I will completely fall apart.   

Ha Ha Just Kidding

OK so things are not back on track with the adoption.  In fact they have almost come to a crashing halt.  I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring so maybe things can be salvaged and maybe not.  We have learned some things that we were not told about the kids- somethings we point blank asked and they did not tell us the truth.  There is some major bad juju going on and we do not know how to make it through or even if we should try.  If we had been told everything we know now in "full discloser" (what a laugh) before we had ever met the kids we would have walked away.  Now we have met the kids and even though everything tells us we should walk away the kids are keeping us from doing that.

We were told mild abuse happened- mild does not cover what was done to these kids.  We were told no drugs were taken- as far as they knew- when bio mom was pregnant- that was a lie.  We were told that these kids do not have attachment issues- again ha ha jokes on us.  

This is not how adoption is supposed to be!  it is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  The beginning of a new life.  The happy beginning of a new life.  Instead my family is being torn apart by grief and betrayal.  Our hearts are broken.  I cannot even think about losing these kids.  They may have some huge problems but they are a part of our family already.  The thought about never seeing them again, not even getting to say goodbye...i cannot think that way because my heart stops beating.  

I don't understand why this is happening.  I know that everything happens for a reason but right now i cannot see what that reason is.  

I thought when my grandpa died that i felt grief- and i did- but compared to this- 

I'm numb and i am completely raw at the same time.  I do not know how to deal with this or how to feel what i am feeling.  

Please pray, send good vibrations, happy thoughts, what ever you do for these kids and for my family!  

back on track

OK so I think the panic that we all have been feeling- while justified- has been mainly to make  sure that we have the resources we need to deal with everything.  Everything is back on track and most likely the kids  (all of them) will be coming to live with us on the 21st.  I know we are all crazy- for doing this, for being so freaked out, for everything- but a little craziness is a good thing. 

I finally got on antibiotics last night to kick this stupid cold, so i am feeling a bit better this morning.  I think that helps with the overwhelmed feeling.  I still don't quite know how we are going to handle 4 kids with RAD -since every parent of a child with RAD has told us that one child is almost more than they can handle- however, if anyone can handle this we can.  We were put on this path for a reason and now we just have to follow through.  

crazy crazy life :)

all a muddle

How do you decide when the right time is to walk away and when to stand strong?  Fear clouds my judgement- or is that my intuition speaking through?  When your head, heart, and soul all tell you different things- what do you listen to?  Have trust in God- OK but what am i supposed to trust?  what message is He/She/It trying to convey to us??

What is being asked of us?!?  What are we supposed to be learning from this?!?!?!  our hearts are breaking.  Is this supposed to hurt so much?  

They are all really good kids individually but together they are like a pack of rabid dogs.  They turn on the weakest member and tear him/her to pieces.  How can healing come from that?  

I used to believe that separating siblings was wrong- no ifs ands or buts- but I was wrong.  Sometimes separating siblings is the only healthy thing to do.  I was looking at things as if it were J, K and I- to separate us would be wrong.  To separate children who have a very strong bond and who would fight for the others no matter what- that is wrong and a true tragedy.  But to separate children who have no bond or have a unhealthy bond there is nothing wrong with that.  Its sad but not wrong.  Unfortunately, some social workers cannot make that decision, even though that is there job and the children and their adoptive families suffer because of it.  It should not be up to the adoptive family to have to make that kind of decision.  

I do not know what to do.  I do not know what to think.  I know that we love these kids but sometimes love is simply not enough.  Sometimes love is letting go when you know you cannot give that person the very best.  What are we going to do? I just do not know.  Can we give all 4 of these kids the very best?  I want to say yes, I wish i could say yes, but right now my gut is telling me no.  Still maybe that is the fear talking and not a true intuition.  Time will tell. 

sick

There is something about being sick that makes you think.  Maybe its the fact that you are to dang tired to do anything other than lay in bed and think.  I am so tired of thinking.  Things are to hard to think about right now.  I had no idea going into this adoption what was to come.  I thought i had at least a bit of a clue but i didn't.  The worst thing you can imagine is just that, the worst thing you can imagine.  You cannot imagine horrors or situations if you have never been exposed to them.  You can know intellectually that people hurt kids.  You know it because of watching the news, reading about it, watching Law and Order but it doesn't become real until you realize that a child near and dear to you has had these horrors done to them.  You can believe that you can handle a child with RAD- but until you have actually meet one and spent time with that child you cannot know what its really like.  Let alone what 4 children with RAD are like.  

You cannot understand why a child acts the way that they do until you put it into perspective what they have gone through.  The biggest test is when that child acts out in a way that you never imagined- can you hold your cool and keep that perspective??   Can you handle it more than once?  how about twice a day?  or even better twice an hour?  For six months or more? Can you really know until it has happened to you?  The answer is no.  There is no way of knowing if you can handle it.  I still don't know how i am going to handle things long term.  I know how i handle things over a course of two days- but six months?  the rest of my life?  I'm not sure.   You do everything you can to proper for it and if it turns out that you cannot- you get out of that situation as fast as you can.   These kids are acting the way they are because of what has been done to them in the past and you cannot add to the trauma!  Now, i am not saying that they cannot take responsibility for some of their actions! because they can and should.  That is what it means to be a functioning part of society BUT they are children and you have to keep that in mind at all times.  If they were never taught how to express themselves in a proper way, well then what do you expect?   

Sorry, I know that i am going all preachy again but as i said being sick makes your mind go round and round and this has become a huge part of my life.  

Oh!  I just got the news that Japan is a go!  I still don't know the dates yet but i know that i am actually going!  yay!  

   

Lately, I have been feeling as if we are being held hostage by God/Goddess.    We asked for this and now we have to carry it through or we will regret it for our entire lives.  I do not want to go down a road this hard but how can i not?  How can i turn away from something i asked for and wanted when i thought it was going to be easier?  Its not just me who will be effected by this- it all of my family including the new little ones.  There are so many things we could have done differently and should have done differently but we didn't and now we have to live with what happened.  If we don't want to destroy 4 little beings than we have to go down this path.  Its not just out of guilt that we are doing this or because we think we have to, that is part of it, but we do really love these kids.   Though it would be easier if we could just have one at a time or two at a time there is no way to pick.  They each have something wonderful going for them.  they all  have good hearts and souls- you just cannot always see it when they are together.

 Right now, though we do not have a confirmed diagnosis, we believe that at least 3 out of the 4 kids have RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Don't get me wrong they are good kids but after everything they have been through it would be surprising if they did not have some major problems.  It just means that the road we are on is going to be even harder than we originally imagined.  There are so many levels of RAD and i can only hope and pray that they have the "lowest" level and be able to be "cured" of it.  But again it has to come back to faith.  God/Goddess put us on this path so I have to have faith that we can handle it and get through the hard times.  

Some happy news...I got a story boarding job for a promotional video.  There is a very good chance that I will be going to Japan because of it!  If it happens i could leave for Japan anywhere between the 1st and the 15th of April.   I have my passport ready to go!   I am soo excited about this job!  I am also terrified of how much is resting on my shoulders.  It scares me to take on such a big project and also to leave my family when they are going to need me the most.  Still I am working through those fears- what in life is worth having if it is not scary at first?  I want this and i know that my family is strong and can handle things without me for a while.  This is what i have been working toward for a long time and i cannot run away simply because i am scared.  The same goes for the adoption.  

Story Board

Here is sample of the story boards I have been working on lately for class... 

they are the second draft for this project.  There will probably be another draft or at least some changes made before filming starts on Saturday! 

faith and tropical locations

Bunches and bunches of things have happened lately.  But sadly I am way to tired to catch you up on everything.

So in a nut shell:  the kids will be coming home to stay right before easter.  This is just as there spring break begins so it will give us all time to adjust before they have to start school at a new school.    

The kids had their first visit to our house this past weekend.  They spent two nights with us.  There were good times, bad times, melt downs, and times that melted all of our hearts.  I had a bit of a panic attack when the enormity of this situation hit me- I mean I already knew it but something about the kids being here made all the difference.  Luckily I am blessed with an amazing mother and lately a lot of faith.  

Its funny but i thought i had faith before the adoption started but i had no idea.  This process has tested my faith and proven to me over and over again that there is a reason to have faith.  Interesting how the Universe works.    I asked to be given a path and for clear signs.  "Let me do your will- let me make a positive difference!"  Oh boy, do i need to watch what i ask for from now on!  I can almost hear the cackles from the cosmos.  I asked for it.  Silly, silly, little mortal.  

I have been story boarding a project for school, which has been a lot of fun, and we are going to shoot it this coming weekend.  We are going up to Eaves Ranch which is an old western town- it should be a lot of fun if the weather holds.  Only in NM can it be nearly 70 one day and snowing the next.  I stepped out the door this morning an commented on how lovely it was, i was quickly informed that yes it was lovely but that we should be getting another winter storm in the next few days.  My thoughts were- something that shouldn't be written.  Didn't we just have snow yesterday??? why do we need more???  Oh well i should stop being surprised by the weird weather here!  

I got my passport the other day!  now i can travel to other countries whenever i want- well whenever i have money to do so!  very exciting.  The itching in my feet is begging me to take a trip soon- or maybe move.  I am voting for the trip.   I love NM and cannot imagine leaving it (for now at least).  It is truly a land of enchantment- or entrapment as some folks call it.  

I am ok with both when it comes to NM it has taken part of my heart.  Although the rest of my heart rests in a warm tropical location.  

Storyboards, Makeup and Cleaning

It was lovely outside today.  I can feel spring in the air.  The urge to runaway to the beach on some hot tropical location is starting to lesson a little bit.  However, whenever life gets a bit too stressful or the weather gets a bit too cold, my feet start to itch and i want to runaway to lovely beach somewhere warm.  

Today, i worked on cleaning my room- mainly deciding what could stay out and what needed to be put away from little hands.  

I went to CNM to pick up my official transcript then i dropped it off at UNM.  I am planning on going back to UNM this summer to work on finishing my degree (what that degree is going to be in is changed every few days).  I really like most things about the film business but everything about the adoption has made me want to work on something that will have a positive impact on society.  I know, i know, film can have a positive impact too but it just doesn't seem like enough for me.  I plan on working hard this semester and trying to get into Local 480- the film union here in NM- so that i can get some jobs but i also plan on going back to UNM.  Plus, I miss writing papers and taking tests- i know that is weird but i miss the challenge that school brings!

I made up a list of makeup supplies for my class.  Our kit was stolen/misplaced at the end of last semester so a new kit needs to be ordered.  I was asked to figure out what i have in my kit and anything i might be dreaming of getting.  

I worked on getting things ready for a meeting with the director of a commercial.  I am meeting with him tomorrow to tweak the storyboard for the commercial a bit.  

Tonight Mom and I are going to go through the medicines we had in our kitchen cabinet and move them to a locked cabinet.  We need to lock away any cleaning chemicals so that the kids cannot get into them.  The knives also need to be relocated into a safer place.  

There are so many things we have to do before the kids come on Thursday.  Each day brings about a new list of things to do.  

One more hour until we call the kids for our nightly talk.  I love hearing their voices but i have to admit that sometimes i cannot understand what they are saying.  I guess that will come with time.  I hope it will at least!

work work work

OK so new news:  We have been up to see the kids twice now.  They are a handful but they have captured my heart.  I love them more than words can express.  I feel like a big sister but also sort of like a new mom too.  I would do anything to make sure these kids are kept safe from harm.  

However, just because i love them doesn't mean i always like them.  At times i feel resentful of them changing my life in such a huge way.  I even feel resentful of them making me fall in love with them.  They have caused me to

 open myself up in a way I haven't ever 

done.  Its scary and I don't always like it.  I wouldn't change them coming into my life though.  I wouldn't want them to go anywhere else!  They are family.  They may not have been born into this family but none the less they are still family.  

The kids will not be coming to stay on the 29th as posted in the previous blog but they will be coming for a visit from thursday the 28th to saturday the 1st!  I am excited to show them around their new home but i kind of wish we had one more week to get ready.

We have been working extremely hard trying to get everything done.  

We are close but whether we will get everything finished before they

 come, i just don't know.  One of the 

major projects we did was to level out the back yard.  We had to breakdown the awning.  We had a contractor come in and build us a wall so that we could fill in the middle layer with dirt.  We ordered 9 cubic yards of dirt and carted it into the back yard.  That wasn't enough.  So we ordered another 15 cubic yards of dirt that day and carted it into the back yard.  One cubic yard of dirt is

 about equal to a ton of dirt.  So in total we hauled about 24 tons of dirt.  

I am so tired right now that I want to cry.  I would love a day simply to be lazy.  I am fighting getting the cold that is going around.  Mainly I think it is the shear exhaustion that is causing me to have a weakened immune sy

stem.  K had the nasty bug and I spent the last two weekends trapped in a car with him coughing out the lovely little germs.  Not his fault but fighting the germs and being utterly wiped has been making me feel like i am constantly fighting getting a cold.  I keep trying to go to bed early but end up staying up late.  I am so tired at the end of the day that i cannot get to sleep.  

Oh well it will get better.  Things will never be the same again but that would be boring right?   Who wants to be stuck doing the same things over and over again?   Hopefully I will start to adjust to the new busyness of life!  

So things have gone kind of crazy in our lives right now.  Instead of the month and a half or more that we were expecting before we take the kids home we are now going to be picking them up on Feb. 29th!  Tomorrow the family heads up to CO to meet with them for the first time.  I am really excited and terrified at the same time.  

We have sooooo much to do still!  

tonight we are going to work on writing letters/cards for each of the kids for everyday we are not there to leave their foster parents.   Mom is going to make them all baby blankets.  we picked out the material today--its really cute!  i will try and post pictures of them up soon.

I am so excited and frazzled at the same time that it is making it hard to even type.   I know that this is the best for the kids but it just feels like it is all happening so fast!  Of course, the poor kids don't even know that we are meeting them tomorrow and they have no idea that they will be coming home with us in two weeks.  I cannot even imagine how terrifying it must be for them.   Little Jacob was looking at our "life book" that we made for them and had tears falling down his cheeks.  He has memorized the book front to back but is so scared of leaving everything he knows.  As he said "I don't want to move again!" Who can blame him!  I am terrified of our lives changing so much and i have had a choice about the change- i have wanted the change.    

I will also try and finish the second part of "Adoption" in a bit.  

Adoption part 1

I thought I would go through the basic steps that you have to take to adopt from the US just encase some of you don't know what is involved.  (Steps may change from state to state and even from social worker to social worker but this is what my family has gone through so far.)

The vary first thing you have to decided is if you really want to adopt and if so if you want to adopt from a foreign country or from the US.  Now, adopting is a long process what ever route you take but it is a lot quicker and there are a lot less hoops to jump through in a foreign adoption.  Of course, you are going to pay a LOT more to adopt out of country.  To adopt from Guatemala is about $30,000 (that is if you can even adopt from Guatemala right now- their adoption laws are changing right now which has put a hold on any new out of country adoptions).  In general it will cost you about $7,000 to $30,000 for international adoption. Of course that does not usually include your travel costs.  

If you decided to go for a private adoption in the US it will cost you $5,000(usually for slightly older children) to $40,000 (usually if you want a baby).  For example, a few months back we were told about a baby girl that was in exposed to drugs in utero who's adoption expenses were $20,000.  If you had that $20,000 you could have gotten a 5 day old baby girl with green eyes within a day.  

Once you have decided to adopt from the US and you want to adopt a child within the state system you have to decide if you want to go with a state social worker or a private social worker.  Now going with a state social worker means that you do not have to pay anything- or very little- and a private social worker means you have to pay for your homestudy, classes, finger prints/background check (local and federal), etc...  

In our case we went with a private social worker because every time we called CYFD (Child Youth and Family Department), NM's child protective care, we couldn't get any of our questions answered.  Late on in the process we learned how to work with CYFD and have since gotten a lot more information from them!  

Both private and state social workers will do a home study.  Before that ever happens though you have to fill out a huge packet of information.  Giving your tax record history, how much money you have in savings, checking, investments, etc… Each family member has several sheets of questions they have to answer.  This helps the social worker with his/her home study.

You all have to get fingerprinted so that a state and federal background check can be done. This will take a while to come back (yes, even if you haven't ever done anything wrong) 6 to 8 weeks is the average.  So you need to get this done as soon as you can in the beginning of the process.

Then comes the home study, which consists of a series of visits to your home by the social worker.  She/he will interview each member of the household more in-depth.  Questions will be asked about every possible thing you can think of.  Often the questions will be very personal but you MUST answer as truthfully as you possibly can.  At the time it might not seem like there is any relevance to the questions but the home study is how you are matched with a child/children and maybe knowing about how the traumatic destruction of a beloved childhood blanket affected you will be the thing that places the right child with you.  

The social worker will also look at your house to make sure everything is up to state code and might make suggestions (i.e. put child safety locks on your cabinets where the child might get into cleaning supplies, put all medicines high out of reach in a locked container, etc…)

After all this is done the social worker will collect all of the information she/he has gotten and will create a home study for your family.  Our home study was 15 pages of information.

Now that that is over let the work and the waiting begin…