Lately, I have been feeling as if we are being held hostage by God/Goddess.    We asked for this and now we have to carry it through or we will regret it for our entire lives.  I do not want to go down a road this hard but how can i not?  How can i turn away from something i asked for and wanted when i thought it was going to be easier?  Its not just me who will be effected by this- it all of my family including the new little ones.  There are so many things we could have done differently and should have done differently but we didn't and now we have to live with what happened.  If we don't want to destroy 4 little beings than we have to go down this path.  Its not just out of guilt that we are doing this or because we think we have to, that is part of it, but we do really love these kids.   Though it would be easier if we could just have one at a time or two at a time there is no way to pick.  They each have something wonderful going for them.  they all  have good hearts and souls- you just cannot always see it when they are together.

 Right now, though we do not have a confirmed diagnosis, we believe that at least 3 out of the 4 kids have RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Don't get me wrong they are good kids but after everything they have been through it would be surprising if they did not have some major problems.  It just means that the road we are on is going to be even harder than we originally imagined.  There are so many levels of RAD and i can only hope and pray that they have the "lowest" level and be able to be "cured" of it.  But again it has to come back to faith.  God/Goddess put us on this path so I have to have faith that we can handle it and get through the hard times.  

Some happy news...I got a story boarding job for a promotional video.  There is a very good chance that I will be going to Japan because of it!  If it happens i could leave for Japan anywhere between the 1st and the 15th of April.   I have my passport ready to go!   I am soo excited about this job!  I am also terrified of how much is resting on my shoulders.  It scares me to take on such a big project and also to leave my family when they are going to need me the most.  Still I am working through those fears- what in life is worth having if it is not scary at first?  I want this and i know that my family is strong and can handle things without me for a while.  This is what i have been working toward for a long time and i cannot run away simply because i am scared.  The same goes for the adoption.