grief

I think that what I am feeling right now is something a kin to a miscarriage.  Except instead of losing one child I have lost four at once.   People keep saying "well at least you stopped things before it got too far, before you could get really hurt."  I don't know how to respond to that.  We have been talking to the kids every night at 7:00 for six weeks.  It started out as a twenty minute conversation and over the past few weeks it turned into an hour and a half conversation.  We have seen them every weekend, spent time getting to know them.  Yes, it is better that we decided to make this decision before it they came to live with us permanently but that does not mean that we were not completely in love with these kids.  There are moments when it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room and I am left there trying to breathe.  A wave of grief washes over me and I am not sure how to cope with everyday life.   I am so angry with the world for continuing to turn when my world is collapsing at the same time I am so very grateful.  Knowing that the world keeps on turning and that life can go on keeps me going.  There are other moments when the ache and the sadness of losing the kids gets pushed back and I can breath, I can enjoy the little joys in life again, I can dance to a song and be happy.  It may only last for a moment before grief hits me again but in that moment I know that I will be able to survive this, learn from it, and maybe take some good away from it.