The pain of loosing the little ones still aches every single moment of everyday. Things that should bother me more- like not getting the funding for Japan (at least for now)- don't. Unfortunately, that bigger pain is making me grumpy and I have been extra bitchy with my family. Not fair at all to them. I am trying to learn how to let go of some of this pain and anger. Each day, things get a little better. Just breathing becomes easier and the ache while still very much present is not all consuming.
I keep thinking I should be getting "over" this but then I remind myself that while it feels like a lifetime since this happened its only been a week. I have barely began to process the grieving. I do not quite understand why this is so hard for me. I loved the kids but I know that we did the right thing. I think it was the fact that I broke promises and feel as though I let them down. Maybe if we had just had a bit more faith things would have turned out differently? Or maybe, stepping away was the bigger test of faith. I don't know.
I will not let this take over my life. I am slowly finding happiness in little things again. I had faith in God/Goddess before why should it be any different now? It shouldn't but right now, even though i have faith that the right thing was done, I am also angry with God. I know that I asked to be lead down the path that She/He wanted me to be on but I never imagined it would be this hard. Silly of me really, since anyone who has given their life over to God usually has the hardest path- the best rewards- but still an extremely hard path.
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