Ha Ha Just Kidding

OK so things are not back on track with the adoption.  In fact they have almost come to a crashing halt.  I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring so maybe things can be salvaged and maybe not.  We have learned some things that we were not told about the kids- somethings we point blank asked and they did not tell us the truth.  There is some major bad juju going on and we do not know how to make it through or even if we should try.  If we had been told everything we know now in "full discloser" (what a laugh) before we had ever met the kids we would have walked away.  Now we have met the kids and even though everything tells us we should walk away the kids are keeping us from doing that.

We were told mild abuse happened- mild does not cover what was done to these kids.  We were told no drugs were taken- as far as they knew- when bio mom was pregnant- that was a lie.  We were told that these kids do not have attachment issues- again ha ha jokes on us.  

This is not how adoption is supposed to be!  it is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  The beginning of a new life.  The happy beginning of a new life.  Instead my family is being torn apart by grief and betrayal.  Our hearts are broken.  I cannot even think about losing these kids.  They may have some huge problems but they are a part of our family already.  The thought about never seeing them again, not even getting to say goodbye...i cannot think that way because my heart stops beating.  

I don't understand why this is happening.  I know that everything happens for a reason but right now i cannot see what that reason is.  

I thought when my grandpa died that i felt grief- and i did- but compared to this- 

I'm numb and i am completely raw at the same time.  I do not know how to deal with this or how to feel what i am feeling.  

Please pray, send good vibrations, happy thoughts, what ever you do for these kids and for my family!