all a muddle

How do you decide when the right time is to walk away and when to stand strong?  Fear clouds my judgement- or is that my intuition speaking through?  When your head, heart, and soul all tell you different things- what do you listen to?  Have trust in God- OK but what am i supposed to trust?  what message is He/She/It trying to convey to us??

What is being asked of us?!?  What are we supposed to be learning from this?!?!?!  our hearts are breaking.  Is this supposed to hurt so much?  

They are all really good kids individually but together they are like a pack of rabid dogs.  They turn on the weakest member and tear him/her to pieces.  How can healing come from that?  

I used to believe that separating siblings was wrong- no ifs ands or buts- but I was wrong.  Sometimes separating siblings is the only healthy thing to do.  I was looking at things as if it were J, K and I- to separate us would be wrong.  To separate children who have a very strong bond and who would fight for the others no matter what- that is wrong and a true tragedy.  But to separate children who have no bond or have a unhealthy bond there is nothing wrong with that.  Its sad but not wrong.  Unfortunately, some social workers cannot make that decision, even though that is there job and the children and their adoptive families suffer because of it.  It should not be up to the adoptive family to have to make that kind of decision.  

I do not know what to do.  I do not know what to think.  I know that we love these kids but sometimes love is simply not enough.  Sometimes love is letting go when you know you cannot give that person the very best.  What are we going to do? I just do not know.  Can we give all 4 of these kids the very best?  I want to say yes, I wish i could say yes, but right now my gut is telling me no.  Still maybe that is the fear talking and not a true intuition.  Time will tell.