Adoption part 1

I thought I would go through the basic steps that you have to take to adopt from the US just encase some of you don't know what is involved.  (Steps may change from state to state and even from social worker to social worker but this is what my family has gone through so far.)

The vary first thing you have to decided is if you really want to adopt and if so if you want to adopt from a foreign country or from the US.  Now, adopting is a long process what ever route you take but it is a lot quicker and there are a lot less hoops to jump through in a foreign adoption.  Of course, you are going to pay a LOT more to adopt out of country.  To adopt from Guatemala is about $30,000 (that is if you can even adopt from Guatemala right now- their adoption laws are changing right now which has put a hold on any new out of country adoptions).  In general it will cost you about $7,000 to $30,000 for international adoption. Of course that does not usually include your travel costs.  

If you decided to go for a private adoption in the US it will cost you $5,000(usually for slightly older children) to $40,000 (usually if you want a baby).  For example, a few months back we were told about a baby girl that was in exposed to drugs in utero who's adoption expenses were $20,000.  If you had that $20,000 you could have gotten a 5 day old baby girl with green eyes within a day.  

Once you have decided to adopt from the US and you want to adopt a child within the state system you have to decide if you want to go with a state social worker or a private social worker.  Now going with a state social worker means that you do not have to pay anything- or very little- and a private social worker means you have to pay for your homestudy, classes, finger prints/background check (local and federal), etc...  

In our case we went with a private social worker because every time we called CYFD (Child Youth and Family Department), NM's child protective care, we couldn't get any of our questions answered.  Late on in the process we learned how to work with CYFD and have since gotten a lot more information from them!  

Both private and state social workers will do a home study.  Before that ever happens though you have to fill out a huge packet of information.  Giving your tax record history, how much money you have in savings, checking, investments, etc… Each family member has several sheets of questions they have to answer.  This helps the social worker with his/her home study.

You all have to get fingerprinted so that a state and federal background check can be done. This will take a while to come back (yes, even if you haven't ever done anything wrong) 6 to 8 weeks is the average.  So you need to get this done as soon as you can in the beginning of the process.

Then comes the home study, which consists of a series of visits to your home by the social worker.  She/he will interview each member of the household more in-depth.  Questions will be asked about every possible thing you can think of.  Often the questions will be very personal but you MUST answer as truthfully as you possibly can.  At the time it might not seem like there is any relevance to the questions but the home study is how you are matched with a child/children and maybe knowing about how the traumatic destruction of a beloved childhood blanket affected you will be the thing that places the right child with you.  

The social worker will also look at your house to make sure everything is up to state code and might make suggestions (i.e. put child safety locks on your cabinets where the child might get into cleaning supplies, put all medicines high out of reach in a locked container, etc…)

After all this is done the social worker will collect all of the information she/he has gotten and will create a home study for your family.  Our home study was 15 pages of information.

Now that that is over let the work and the waiting begin…

just a quick note

So a real quick note since I am falling asleep as i type this.  The boys' room is now painted a lovely shade of yellow, their beds are put together and they all have mattresses!  We looked at sheets and blankets today and are still trying to decide what colors to get the boys.  Tracy, the kids' social worker called today and told us Kaitlyn's favorite colors: pink and purple (purple a bit more than pink!).  So we are working on getting paint for her room.  

I spent today running to different doctor's appointments (mmm how i love acupuncture days!).  I also worked on cleaning and doing an inventory of my makeup so it will be ready for school.  Mom got me a really cool tool box that stacks and has wheels, which is perfect for my makeup, with the condition that i work off the debt by doing jobs around the house.  I am perfectly happy to do that!  Although, it kind of feels like i am taking advantage of her since i would have done the jobs anyway.  Well, I better go get some sleep if i want to start working on those jobs bright and early!  

Fear, love, and patience

I couldn't sleep last night.  I tossed and turned and kept worrying about the adoption.  Finally, I got up and started to write down all of my fears in my journal.  What it came down to was that more than all my other fears of our family not being able to handle this I am afraid that the kids won't like me or us.  I am already in love with these little ones, that itself scares me, and if these children don't or cannot love us because of what they have been through I am not sure how I will ever be able to handle that.  I know that it will take awhile for them to trust us.  From all of the classes and reading we have done the average time for an adoptive child, especially an older child, to bond with their new family takes about two years.  Right now two weeks in this adoption process seems like a lifetime, two years seems hard to even imagine.  I know that will be the hardest part of this journey we are about to take.  More than the behavior issues that I am sure they will have, the time it will take for them to bond with us, with me, will be a true test of patience and love.  I might already love these kids but they know nothing about me or my family.  They have no reason to trust us or even want to come and live with us.  I am just going to have to have patience and a LOT of faith.  

It is truly amazing how resilient humans, especially children, can be!  Children can survive horrific conditions and experiences and still become loving adults if they can get help in time.  It is our job as adults to watch out for each other and to care about those around us.  The most important job we have is to watch out for children our own and others, to call into child protective services if we suspect abuse happening.   If we are wrong about the suspected abuse- good!  but it is better to call in and make a report and be wrong than to think that it is not our job or that someone else will call it in!  

It is so hard to believe what people have done and will continue to do to children.   I wanted to stay in the happy "disney bubble" that was created for me while I lived in Celebration.  I wanted to believe that all parents love and keep their children safe.  I want to believe in fairy tales too but the reality of this world has a much stronger pull than I could ever have imagined.  

It is really easy to get swallowed up in the darkness that you see in foster parenting and adoption.  The key point is not to let that darkness swallow you.  Everyone makes mistakes.   I know that if I were not blessed with the family that I have that things could have been Very different for me.  I could easy gotten into drugs or alcohol or been overwhelmed by being a parent way to young.  That is why it is so very important to not pass judgment on anyone, especially the bio-parents of the kids in the foster care system.  They made mistakes, Big mistakes, but that doesn't mean that they are not human and that they do not deserve love or at least respect.  

Taking the P.R.I.D.E  class (adoptive/foster parent class given by the state of NM) has really opened my eyes to how much i think i can handle as a soon to be big sister of adoptive children and in considering being a teacher.  I look at behaviors in children that before I thought were intolerable and horrible and I have some understanding of the why now.   Instead of making me frustrated or angry I want to help.  Now saying that the first time I find poop smeared on the wall I will probably not be so level headed and calm. 

Mom has her own blog to talk about our upcoming adoption from her perspective but I thought that I would start my own.  I wanted to share the adventure of becoming a big sis again and the new exciting life i am starting to lead in the film business!