Martians and Love

I just watched Martian Child with my mom.  I loved this movie.  It is about loss, love, being out of the norm, and as the theme of my life goes right now adoption.  As in most films about adoption you do not see how hard it is to actually adopt.  All of the major processes are left out- of course if they had them all in the movie then it would take up the entire two hours.  Still, I really enjoyed this movie for the message of love it left me with and for the clear resolve to adopt.  So badly do i want to be a parent but i know at this point in my life i am not ready for that step.  Instead i want to share my life with a new sibling (or siblings) who i can love and hopefully help teach that family can be forever.  

 

The hardest job we have here on this planet is loving.  There is nothing more frightening then opening yourself up to someone.  It leaves us completely open to the other person.  Sometimes, alright most of the time, when we open ourselves up to love we will get hurt.  Sometimes that pain will only be minor and other times it will leave a scar.  The main thing is that we do not shy away from love after being hurt.  Do not become embittered by that pain.  That pain, as horrible as it is, just shows us how deeply open we were to love.   It is not a bad thing.  In fact, it is a very very good thing.   

It is easy to say, "be open to love" but it is another thing all together to actually be open to love.  I have had a hard time following the advice my heart gives me because I have been afraid of the pain I would be opening myself too.  I figured that I had enough pain in my life, from my own body, that I did not need to invite in more.  How wrong I was.  The more I shut myself off to love the more my body shut down and the more physical pain I felt.  No one can survive without love- it is essential to life. I believed that the love I had for my family was enough.  When I finally opened myself up to love I suddenly caught a glimpse of the bigger picture.  Unfortunately, this time around my heart was broken but the love I felt was very real, is very real, and will always be.  I would not for anything in the world give up the experience of loving those children, even knowing now how things would turn out, even knowing that I would feel my first true heartbreak.  I have never been as terrified in my life as when I was with Katilyn and the boys nor have I felt such as strong wave of love.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family with all my heart and soul but the love I felt for those kids was different.  I was born loving my family so that was easy but loving those kids was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done.  I am so thankful to them for what they gave me and what their love will continue to give me for the rest of my life.  I am willing to be open to love now partly because I know as bad as the heartache is I can survive the pain and partly because I know it is worth it.   So world here I come ready for love!  I hope this time around love will not come with quite so much heartache but I am willing to chance it because I know it will be worth it.  

back on the look out

Mom has been back in the full swing of things adoption wise.  She spends about three hours a day checking email, calling and talking to social workers, looking at profiles of children online, and so many other things.  Anyone who believes that adoption is easy is living in a dream world.  

Today we got a call about a sib group of 8.  They are all very cute kids but boy do they have some major problems!  There are at least two with RAD, all have FAS, as well as the youngest being exposed to Meth before birth- the effects of which are simply horrible,  a few are "bonded" with each other.  The list of things and issues that these kids have go on and on...  Its really sad because non of the problems are really the kids fault but they are stuck with them.  

We have turned down two more groups in the past two weeks.  One was for a group of 8 and the other was a sib group of 2.  We decided that we are just not ready for 8 kids with the issues that these little ones had.  They were really good kids but we didn't think we could give them the home they really deserved because we would be so overwhelmed by the shear number of them!  

The two were in some ways perfect for us.  The 9 year old boy does art when he gets upset, he has been working on his issues through therapy and on his own- and he does have some major issues, he loves to read, do outdoor things, and play games.  The little girl who is 4, is a really girly girl who loves to dress up, play house, play with dolls, have people read to her, watch movies, and more...  These little ones went through some unspeakably horrible events but they seem to be working through that past extremely well.  That does not mean that there is not a LOT of work left to do but it is a wonderful thing seeing kids wanting to survive and thrive.  Unfortunately, mom felt nothing for these kids.  No maternal instinct- which for her is extremely strange since she feels motherly to everyone she meets.  For me the little boy as wonderful as he sounds when the social worker talked about him and everything we read about him but when i looked at a picture of him...i got creeped out.  I cannot explain it but it was something behind his eyes that just made me very nervous.   So even though there was no solid reason to say no- we (mom) wrote their social worker and told her thank you for all of her help and honesty but that we just could not go ahead with the group.   

So still we look, trying to find the group of kids or child that will fit into our family.  I imagine that a few years from now we may have a large family (3 more kids? 6? 10? who knows?!) but right now we are just trying to figure out what God wants us to do.  So we will wait for the Will of Heaven...and the will of the social workers!  

Die Roach Die! ....and henna

I woke up yesterday morning with my mother yelling "Die roach die!!!".  OK so it wasn't right when I woke up that I heard this lovely phrase but it was close.  My mother, who cherishes all life, who is the sweetest person I know, hates Hates roaches.  For her to let me have a pet roach is a huge thing! Huge!  Of course that is how great a mom she is.  I cannot imagine my life without her in it. She is my best friend in the world.   

I made henna today which is always a wonderful thing.  It symbolizes the beginning of summer for me as well as...well, me.  It was in henna is where I first started to find myself.  In henna I first started to have confidence.  I felt like I was good at something for the first time.  Henna makes me feel strong and beautiful.  It makes me feel close to the earth- one with God.  For me henna can heal.  I am sure that most people would scratch their head at this thought- how can henna, body art, have such a strong effect on anyone?  My response? I have no idea but it does for me.  I am looking forward to having enough time that I can cover my hands and feet and even legs in this substance.  It is how I grieve it is how I celebrate and show off my joy to the world and as it fades from my skin I move on to my next journey.  When I am not doing henna regularly I always forget how happy it makes me feel, how whole it makes me, and I do not want to make the time for it.  If you have never had henna done to you or done it to yourself let me explain.  The process of making the henna paste takes about a day then the actually design and dying process can be anywhere from 2 hours to 12.  The amount of time you let the henna stay on your skin directly relates to how dark the dye will turn out.  I try to leave on the paste as long as i possibly can since i love the way dark henna looks.  Anyway, so when i have not done henna for a while it does not seem worth it to make the time to make the henna then do the design- most of the time i force myself to make time because i know once i start doing it i will be happy.  That is what henna is for me: Happiness and Grace- a touch of truth in a world that doesn't make sense.  

Getting ready for Gram

We have been getting ready for the arrival of my grandmother.  Gram comes in Thursday morning.  The house is being cleaned top to bottom.  Projects that were half finished or barely started are being finished.  Flowers are being planted.  That is my favorite part. 

Mom and I went to the grocery story to shop for food that was on sale.  I love the 10 for 10 sales.  1o boxes of brownies for $10.  1o boxes of cereal, 10 cans of tuna, 10 bunches of bananas (why would you ever want that many bananas?), you get the picture.  It has started to become a game for us, how much money can you save?  This time we saved over $75.  Along with all of our savings this time we also bought a bunch of flowers.  This morning we planted them in the front yard.  Those of you who have seen my front yard know that there are already a LOT of plants and flowers.  Some might think that we don't need anymore but i say that is just silly.  Planting flowers not only is fun and an expression of joy but it also brings happiness and color to a neighborhood.  Everyday people walk by our house and stop for a minute to smell the roses that line our fence or stare at the humming birds whizzing around our yard from flower to flower.  Our yard literally hums with life.  We haven't ever sprayed pestisides on our plants to protect them and yet our plants grow bigger and more beautiful than anywhere else in our neighborhood or the surrounding neighborhoods.   I have been very proud of that fact.  Sadly, tomorrow morning we are spraying for the first time.   I hate that we are doing it but the "water bugs" aka roaches have become very prevalent in our household and with grandma coming to stay that is something that simply cannot be.  I still hate it.  I do not want the tiny ants that help protect our plants to die.  I do not want to anger any nature spirits that have been helping our plants flourish.  Yes, I do believe in nature spirits.  They are as real to me as angels, which I also believe in.   Still as much as i hate the fact that we are spraying I also hate waking up in the middle of the night to see a roach crawl across my wall- its just plain gross!  Yes, this is coming from a girl who has a Madagascar Hissing Coach-roach for a pet- however, there is a big difference between Zotara and the "water bugs" that crawl around my house so prevalently!  

Even though we are giving in and spraying the spray is at least made out of natural plant extracts that cause pesky insects to run for cover.  I am looking forward to not getting up at night and having to kill several roaches on the way to the bathroom (OK so i don't actually kill them- i cannot stand to kill anything! but it is still very gross!).

Well, off to bed.  May all of your dreams be sweet and peaceful!  Many blessings!

Joan of Arcadia

So my mom and I have been watching "Joan of Arcadia".  The premise of the show is that the main character, Joan, is much like a modern day Joan of Arc.  Joan, 16, talks to God and God talks back.  What I love about this show is how it shows part of the bigger picture.  How when we do something there are ripples that effect others.  Another thing I love is that in each episode God appears as a different person, sometimes there is a repeat character but not always.  It makes you think about how there is a piece of God/Goddess in everyone.  It also makes you think that you should be nice to everyone because you are talking to God every time you talk to someone else.  You wouldn't say something rude to God, would you?  

One of my favorite quotes goes something like this:

"Destruction happens because of a lack of imagination"  I don't have it totally right but its close.  I think that fits pretty well- if only people could look at things a different way, outside the box or whatever, maybe we could solve problems instead of creating more with wars.   

Anyway, I enjoy this show mainly because it makes me think. 

Another show that i have really been enjoying is Torchwood- totally and utterly different from Joan of Arcadia!  Torchwood, a Dr Who spin off, is a darker more adult sci fi dealing with monsters- both human and alien-, sex- gay,bi, transgender, and straight-, drugs, alcohol, and tons of other fun stuff.  I really enjoy this show because every episode involves a difficult makeup task.  I love looking at each monster or bullet wound or whatever and thinking "how would i do this?"  Its fun to figure out how they accomplished the makeup job.  I also love that a year ago i would never have been able to watch it because it is pretty gory in parts but now having done makeup it intrigues me instead of making me dizzy.  Of course, i love the character dynamics too!  Its great how this show makes it ok to be bi or gay or whatever because the main thing is to be happy.  We as a culture seem to have put a taboo on sexuality and this show totally blows that out of the water and I love it! 

Anyway thats all for tonight! hope everyone had a good day!  

art

I woke up this morning with the craving to do art!  Silk painting, diachronic glass, sketching, henna, whatever makes me feel good and might make some money too!  I haven't done henna in a long time now and I am craving to tattoo myself and others.  I plan to mix up some henna this weekend, wash some silk and by some more rubber-bands, and clean off my kiln.  

I am being rushed off to go pick out some flagstone by dad, so i will write more later!

Its been awhile

Its been a while since i last wrote and i felt that it was time to start up my adoption blog once again.  I haven't felt like I have wanted to think about adoption let alone write about it for a while.  Today I learned that our kids- I still call them that even though we didn't adopt them- have been put up for adoption separately.  While my heart weeps that they were so hurt that it is better for them to be adopted separately- no child, person, even animal, should have to go through what they did- it also cheers that CO finally decided to do what is best for the kids.  I still love those kids so much, I know that it would have torn our family apart if we had gone through with the adoption but that does not mean that we/I did not love those kids with ever fiber of my being.  There are still times when the pain of loosing them stops be cold, where all the air is suddenly gone from the room, all the light has left but I can now take a breath and wait for that moment to pass.  It feels like there was some good that came out of this pain.  Now my babies will get the help they so dearly need.  I wish with all my heart and soul that we could have been the ones to heal them but i am comforted to know that they will be getting that help.  I just pray now that they each go to their perfect family.  Someday they will hopefully know how much we loved them.  

Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  The government does not make it easy for parents of adoptive children, for the foster care workers, for the kids, or the bio-families.  There is soooo much work that needs to be done here in our own country that i simply cannot understand why we spend so much effort and money fighting wars that should not be fought.  Don't misunderstand me, i have the utmost respect for soldiers and those who dedicate their lives to making this country safe, I just don't understand why the government cannot use all of these men and women here in our own war zones that are happening on our own soil.  This past week I was a substitute at an elementary school that was in what used to be called "the war zone"  its not that bad anymore but there is still a heck of a lot still to do.   I had SUBbed at a middle school a few days earlier and it seemed like a breeze compared to taking care of those elementary students.  I loved working at both places both were such different experiences.  

Anyway, I just wanted to write a quick note and say that I am going to be writing again!  

Many many blessings to all of you!