The blessing of life

I have been so angry lately.  Angry with myself, with God, with my mom, my family, even with friends.  I was just generally pretty pissed off.  I kept hearing a voice tell me "OK, its time to let it go now" -Maybe it seems weird but God, the universe, my subconscious talks to me like that all the time.  Personally I believe that its God but thats just me.   Anyway, so the voice kept telling me that it was time to let it go- the anger- and I would respond with "shut up" or "I'm not ready" or "Go away."  Not very polite to tell God/Goddess but thats what I would do.  I think I believed that if I let go of that anger then what had happened would no longer be real or no longer mean as much.  Saying it out loud makes it seem so stupid but when I was feeling that it seemed perfectly reasonable.  Finally last night, I broke down and had a good cry.  It really helped to talk out what i was feeling and realized what I had been doing to myself.  I was able to actually start healing instead of just pushing everything to the back of my mind.  Today, I am no longer angry, I'm just sad.  The pain of losing the kids, the life I had imagined for all of us, and the innocence I once had before this all began is still there and I think it will always be a part of me.  However, now I think I can actually start the healing process.  

Some major things to be thankful for:

I am excited because things are finally starting to come together in the film business.  I have two different projects I got hired on as both storyboard artist and as a makeup artist.  I also have a school production which I am working on as well.  I am soooo busy but also really happy!  I have already done 23 storyboard panels for one project (4 1/2 pages in the script) and I have about 75+ left to do.  Its a lot of fun but also a lot more work than i was expecting it to be! I have been talking to my teacher about the different ways I can get into the Union (Local 480).  I am hoping by the end of summer I will be able to get in it.  I will have to wait and see what comes about.   

I am not sure what to do about next semester.  I was reaccepted into UNM.  Which is wonderful but now I am not sure if I should hold off for a semester.  I am thinking maybe I will go to CNM for one more semester then start in the fall or maybe spring of next year.  If i do the program at CNM for one more semester I will have enough credits for Health insurance and actually be able to afford to pay for school without taking out major loans.   

Time for bed.  I have to finish a bunch more panels tomorrow for Legal Hawks and start some for Best Man.  I hope all is well with all of you!  Blessings of sunshine!

finding happiness again

Happy Easter!  A time for rebirth and release.  I am working on doing both those things.   

The pain of loosing the little ones still aches every single moment of everyday.  Things that should bother me more- like not getting the funding for Japan (at least for now)- don't. Unfortunately, that bigger pain is making me grumpy and I have been extra bitchy with my family.  Not fair at all to them.  I am trying to learn how to let go of some of this pain and anger.  Each day, things get a little better.  Just breathing becomes easier and the ache while still very much present is not all consuming.  

I keep thinking I should be getting "over" this but then I remind myself that while it feels like a lifetime since this happened its only been a week.  I have barely began to process the grieving.   I do not quite understand why this is so hard for me.  I loved the kids but I know that we did the right thing.  I think it was the fact that I broke promises and feel as though I let them down.  Maybe if we had just had a bit more faith things would have turned out differently?  Or maybe, stepping away was the bigger test of faith.  I don't know.  

I will not let this take over my life.  I am slowly finding happiness in little things again.  I had faith in God/Goddess before why should it be any different now?  It shouldn't but right now, even though i have faith that the right thing was done, I am also angry with God.   I know that I asked to be lead down the path that She/He wanted me to be on but I never imagined it would be this hard.  Silly of me really, since anyone who has given their life over to God usually has the hardest path- the best rewards- but still an extremely hard path.  

grief

I think that what I am feeling right now is something a kin to a miscarriage.  Except instead of losing one child I have lost four at once.   People keep saying "well at least you stopped things before it got too far, before you could get really hurt."  I don't know how to respond to that.  We have been talking to the kids every night at 7:00 for six weeks.  It started out as a twenty minute conversation and over the past few weeks it turned into an hour and a half conversation.  We have seen them every weekend, spent time getting to know them.  Yes, it is better that we decided to make this decision before it they came to live with us permanently but that does not mean that we were not completely in love with these kids.  There are moments when it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room and I am left there trying to breathe.  A wave of grief washes over me and I am not sure how to cope with everyday life.   I am so angry with the world for continuing to turn when my world is collapsing at the same time I am so very grateful.  Knowing that the world keeps on turning and that life can go on keeps me going.  There are other moments when the ache and the sadness of losing the kids gets pushed back and I can breath, I can enjoy the little joys in life again, I can dance to a song and be happy.  It may only last for a moment before grief hits me again but in that moment I know that I will be able to survive this, learn from it, and maybe take some good away from it.  

the decision

We are not going to be adopting the kids.  It was decided that we could not give them all of the help they needed.  I'm heartbroken.  I know it was the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier.  

peace

This morning I am filled with peace.  Last night I asked for a clear sign of what we should do and I got it.  Now what others in my family will choose to do or how they interpret  that sign is up to them.   I was so unsure of what to do, what decision I should make, how I felt, that I forgot one very important element.  God.  I started on this path with faith and that is what I need to continue doing.  God will provide whatever we need to get through this.  To not only get through this but to thrive from it.  Radical faith is what needs to happen.  Not blind faith because God does talk to us through our intuition and feelings and there was a good reason we have gone through the doubt and the panic lately.  However, radical faith asks that we jump in to the unknown and know that we will come out better on the other side- whatever that other side might hold.  It asks that we make the choice to do this.   Up until now I have felt that we did not have a choice in this adoption.  Now we do.  We were given an out that no one could argue with.  We were lied to and mislead.  Now we can choose to leap or to back off.  The unknown will always be there, waiting for us to be ready.   If now is not the right time for us than later will be.  

Logic tells me that we should run from this adoption.  That the problems the kids have are too much for one family to handle.  That our family cannot take the stress and we will crumble. That we cannot heal these children's hurts.  They are just to big to be handled as a group.   

Faith tells me that all of that is a bunch of crap.  God can do anything.  We/I asked for God to work through us and this is what He/She handed us.  If we do not take this leap of faith, God will not be angry but it will be an opportunity missed.  These kids need people who can love them.  And though logic tells all of us that we should not all of us have fallen in love with these children.  

For me adopting the kids is the right thing to do.  It scares the heck out of me but it is the path that i believe is the right one.  I will hold faith in God and know that He/She will help me with whatever i need.  

If my family decides that this adoption is not the right move, than i will respect that and know that it was the right decision.  I am not saying that i will not be heartbroken and sad to never see the kids again- because i will.  However, i have faith that what ever path is taken it will be the right one.  This is not just my path, it is my entire family's and we have to make a decision that is right for every one of us.  If that path is in the opposite direct of these kids, than so be it.  

Blessings Be

quote

I saw this quote and thought it appropriate...

"Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state" - George Eliot

I am in pain physically and emotionally.  I am also numb.  I cannot think, thinking hurts too much.  I am angry because anger is easier than the overwhelming sadness that threatens to swallow me alive.  Some how things will work out for the best, I have to believe that or I will completely fall apart.   

Ha Ha Just Kidding

OK so things are not back on track with the adoption.  In fact they have almost come to a crashing halt.  I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring so maybe things can be salvaged and maybe not.  We have learned some things that we were not told about the kids- somethings we point blank asked and they did not tell us the truth.  There is some major bad juju going on and we do not know how to make it through or even if we should try.  If we had been told everything we know now in "full discloser" (what a laugh) before we had ever met the kids we would have walked away.  Now we have met the kids and even though everything tells us we should walk away the kids are keeping us from doing that.

We were told mild abuse happened- mild does not cover what was done to these kids.  We were told no drugs were taken- as far as they knew- when bio mom was pregnant- that was a lie.  We were told that these kids do not have attachment issues- again ha ha jokes on us.  

This is not how adoption is supposed to be!  it is supposed to be a joyous occasion.  The beginning of a new life.  The happy beginning of a new life.  Instead my family is being torn apart by grief and betrayal.  Our hearts are broken.  I cannot even think about losing these kids.  They may have some huge problems but they are a part of our family already.  The thought about never seeing them again, not even getting to say goodbye...i cannot think that way because my heart stops beating.  

I don't understand why this is happening.  I know that everything happens for a reason but right now i cannot see what that reason is.  

I thought when my grandpa died that i felt grief- and i did- but compared to this- 

I'm numb and i am completely raw at the same time.  I do not know how to deal with this or how to feel what i am feeling.  

Please pray, send good vibrations, happy thoughts, what ever you do for these kids and for my family!  

back on track

OK so I think the panic that we all have been feeling- while justified- has been mainly to make  sure that we have the resources we need to deal with everything.  Everything is back on track and most likely the kids  (all of them) will be coming to live with us on the 21st.  I know we are all crazy- for doing this, for being so freaked out, for everything- but a little craziness is a good thing. 

I finally got on antibiotics last night to kick this stupid cold, so i am feeling a bit better this morning.  I think that helps with the overwhelmed feeling.  I still don't quite know how we are going to handle 4 kids with RAD -since every parent of a child with RAD has told us that one child is almost more than they can handle- however, if anyone can handle this we can.  We were put on this path for a reason and now we just have to follow through.  

crazy crazy life :)

all a muddle

How do you decide when the right time is to walk away and when to stand strong?  Fear clouds my judgement- or is that my intuition speaking through?  When your head, heart, and soul all tell you different things- what do you listen to?  Have trust in God- OK but what am i supposed to trust?  what message is He/She/It trying to convey to us??

What is being asked of us?!?  What are we supposed to be learning from this?!?!?!  our hearts are breaking.  Is this supposed to hurt so much?  

They are all really good kids individually but together they are like a pack of rabid dogs.  They turn on the weakest member and tear him/her to pieces.  How can healing come from that?  

I used to believe that separating siblings was wrong- no ifs ands or buts- but I was wrong.  Sometimes separating siblings is the only healthy thing to do.  I was looking at things as if it were J, K and I- to separate us would be wrong.  To separate children who have a very strong bond and who would fight for the others no matter what- that is wrong and a true tragedy.  But to separate children who have no bond or have a unhealthy bond there is nothing wrong with that.  Its sad but not wrong.  Unfortunately, some social workers cannot make that decision, even though that is there job and the children and their adoptive families suffer because of it.  It should not be up to the adoptive family to have to make that kind of decision.  

I do not know what to do.  I do not know what to think.  I know that we love these kids but sometimes love is simply not enough.  Sometimes love is letting go when you know you cannot give that person the very best.  What are we going to do? I just do not know.  Can we give all 4 of these kids the very best?  I want to say yes, I wish i could say yes, but right now my gut is telling me no.  Still maybe that is the fear talking and not a true intuition.  Time will tell. 

sick

There is something about being sick that makes you think.  Maybe its the fact that you are to dang tired to do anything other than lay in bed and think.  I am so tired of thinking.  Things are to hard to think about right now.  I had no idea going into this adoption what was to come.  I thought i had at least a bit of a clue but i didn't.  The worst thing you can imagine is just that, the worst thing you can imagine.  You cannot imagine horrors or situations if you have never been exposed to them.  You can know intellectually that people hurt kids.  You know it because of watching the news, reading about it, watching Law and Order but it doesn't become real until you realize that a child near and dear to you has had these horrors done to them.  You can believe that you can handle a child with RAD- but until you have actually meet one and spent time with that child you cannot know what its really like.  Let alone what 4 children with RAD are like.  

You cannot understand why a child acts the way that they do until you put it into perspective what they have gone through.  The biggest test is when that child acts out in a way that you never imagined- can you hold your cool and keep that perspective??   Can you handle it more than once?  how about twice a day?  or even better twice an hour?  For six months or more? Can you really know until it has happened to you?  The answer is no.  There is no way of knowing if you can handle it.  I still don't know how i am going to handle things long term.  I know how i handle things over a course of two days- but six months?  the rest of my life?  I'm not sure.   You do everything you can to proper for it and if it turns out that you cannot- you get out of that situation as fast as you can.   These kids are acting the way they are because of what has been done to them in the past and you cannot add to the trauma!  Now, i am not saying that they cannot take responsibility for some of their actions! because they can and should.  That is what it means to be a functioning part of society BUT they are children and you have to keep that in mind at all times.  If they were never taught how to express themselves in a proper way, well then what do you expect?   

Sorry, I know that i am going all preachy again but as i said being sick makes your mind go round and round and this has become a huge part of my life.  

Oh!  I just got the news that Japan is a go!  I still don't know the dates yet but i know that i am actually going!  yay!  

   

Lately, I have been feeling as if we are being held hostage by God/Goddess.    We asked for this and now we have to carry it through or we will regret it for our entire lives.  I do not want to go down a road this hard but how can i not?  How can i turn away from something i asked for and wanted when i thought it was going to be easier?  Its not just me who will be effected by this- it all of my family including the new little ones.  There are so many things we could have done differently and should have done differently but we didn't and now we have to live with what happened.  If we don't want to destroy 4 little beings than we have to go down this path.  Its not just out of guilt that we are doing this or because we think we have to, that is part of it, but we do really love these kids.   Though it would be easier if we could just have one at a time or two at a time there is no way to pick.  They each have something wonderful going for them.  they all  have good hearts and souls- you just cannot always see it when they are together.

 Right now, though we do not have a confirmed diagnosis, we believe that at least 3 out of the 4 kids have RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Don't get me wrong they are good kids but after everything they have been through it would be surprising if they did not have some major problems.  It just means that the road we are on is going to be even harder than we originally imagined.  There are so many levels of RAD and i can only hope and pray that they have the "lowest" level and be able to be "cured" of it.  But again it has to come back to faith.  God/Goddess put us on this path so I have to have faith that we can handle it and get through the hard times.  

Some happy news...I got a story boarding job for a promotional video.  There is a very good chance that I will be going to Japan because of it!  If it happens i could leave for Japan anywhere between the 1st and the 15th of April.   I have my passport ready to go!   I am soo excited about this job!  I am also terrified of how much is resting on my shoulders.  It scares me to take on such a big project and also to leave my family when they are going to need me the most.  Still I am working through those fears- what in life is worth having if it is not scary at first?  I want this and i know that my family is strong and can handle things without me for a while.  This is what i have been working toward for a long time and i cannot run away simply because i am scared.  The same goes for the adoption.  

Story Board

Here is sample of the story boards I have been working on lately for class... 

they are the second draft for this project.  There will probably be another draft or at least some changes made before filming starts on Saturday! 

faith and tropical locations

Bunches and bunches of things have happened lately.  But sadly I am way to tired to catch you up on everything.

So in a nut shell:  the kids will be coming home to stay right before easter.  This is just as there spring break begins so it will give us all time to adjust before they have to start school at a new school.    

The kids had their first visit to our house this past weekend.  They spent two nights with us.  There were good times, bad times, melt downs, and times that melted all of our hearts.  I had a bit of a panic attack when the enormity of this situation hit me- I mean I already knew it but something about the kids being here made all the difference.  Luckily I am blessed with an amazing mother and lately a lot of faith.  

Its funny but i thought i had faith before the adoption started but i had no idea.  This process has tested my faith and proven to me over and over again that there is a reason to have faith.  Interesting how the Universe works.    I asked to be given a path and for clear signs.  "Let me do your will- let me make a positive difference!"  Oh boy, do i need to watch what i ask for from now on!  I can almost hear the cackles from the cosmos.  I asked for it.  Silly, silly, little mortal.  

I have been story boarding a project for school, which has been a lot of fun, and we are going to shoot it this coming weekend.  We are going up to Eaves Ranch which is an old western town- it should be a lot of fun if the weather holds.  Only in NM can it be nearly 70 one day and snowing the next.  I stepped out the door this morning an commented on how lovely it was, i was quickly informed that yes it was lovely but that we should be getting another winter storm in the next few days.  My thoughts were- something that shouldn't be written.  Didn't we just have snow yesterday??? why do we need more???  Oh well i should stop being surprised by the weird weather here!  

I got my passport the other day!  now i can travel to other countries whenever i want- well whenever i have money to do so!  very exciting.  The itching in my feet is begging me to take a trip soon- or maybe move.  I am voting for the trip.   I love NM and cannot imagine leaving it (for now at least).  It is truly a land of enchantment- or entrapment as some folks call it.  

I am ok with both when it comes to NM it has taken part of my heart.  Although the rest of my heart rests in a warm tropical location.