sick

There is something about being sick that makes you think.  Maybe its the fact that you are to dang tired to do anything other than lay in bed and think.  I am so tired of thinking.  Things are to hard to think about right now.  I had no idea going into this adoption what was to come.  I thought i had at least a bit of a clue but i didn't.  The worst thing you can imagine is just that, the worst thing you can imagine.  You cannot imagine horrors or situations if you have never been exposed to them.  You can know intellectually that people hurt kids.  You know it because of watching the news, reading about it, watching Law and Order but it doesn't become real until you realize that a child near and dear to you has had these horrors done to them.  You can believe that you can handle a child with RAD- but until you have actually meet one and spent time with that child you cannot know what its really like.  Let alone what 4 children with RAD are like.  

You cannot understand why a child acts the way that they do until you put it into perspective what they have gone through.  The biggest test is when that child acts out in a way that you never imagined- can you hold your cool and keep that perspective??   Can you handle it more than once?  how about twice a day?  or even better twice an hour?  For six months or more? Can you really know until it has happened to you?  The answer is no.  There is no way of knowing if you can handle it.  I still don't know how i am going to handle things long term.  I know how i handle things over a course of two days- but six months?  the rest of my life?  I'm not sure.   You do everything you can to proper for it and if it turns out that you cannot- you get out of that situation as fast as you can.   These kids are acting the way they are because of what has been done to them in the past and you cannot add to the trauma!  Now, i am not saying that they cannot take responsibility for some of their actions! because they can and should.  That is what it means to be a functioning part of society BUT they are children and you have to keep that in mind at all times.  If they were never taught how to express themselves in a proper way, well then what do you expect?   

Sorry, I know that i am going all preachy again but as i said being sick makes your mind go round and round and this has become a huge part of my life.  

Oh!  I just got the news that Japan is a go!  I still don't know the dates yet but i know that i am actually going!  yay!