Going back to school

I finished my first week back at UNM.  I am not sure how to react to being back in school.  I love learning, love it, but being back in the wonderful but tense college environment is something I am still getting used to.  I am honestly not sure if I like being back in school.  Not only do I have the stress of homework again but I am also under the looming deadline of a payment plan.  I am really hoping for a storyboard job again soon.  

Classes should be interesting.  I think I am holding my breath until the first assignment is turned in and graded.  Once that is over with I think I will be much happier and can get back into the swing of things. 

I also think that if i could just start feeling good again that might help a lot! I probably shouldn't expect so much.  Kr has only been gone two weeks...is that possible?  and my body is just starting to get back on track.  still I am tired of being in pain and sick it is just not a lot of fun!  

hmmm enough complaining! 

 I got some new chicks today...3 of the 4 others seemed like they were becoming roosters!  One rooster is too many in the city and three roosters is impossible.  I went back to the store today and got 3 new little chicks.  They are very cute and are friendly- which is the most important thing to me!  

I got a new haircut a few days ago.  It is super short, very cute, kind of a pixy cut. I go back and forth between feeling super cute and feeling very masculine.  I think that I will come to love the haircut given a few more days but right now I still put my hand to my head and think "where is all my hair?".  It all goes back to me being insecure about myself when I was younger with short hair.  People would mistake me for my brother Justin.  I think i was scarred for life when one of his friends came up to me talked to me for about 3 minutes said good bye and never figured out that I wasn't my little brother!   I know that I have grown up a lot since then and Justin is about a foot and a half taller than me so I no longer can be mistaken for him but I still have a complex apparently.   Silly of me I know! I guess it is one more thing to work on.  

There is some possible adoption news but we don't want to tell people about it until we know for sure.  When and if it happens I will post the news right away.  

Good night!  and Bright Blessings!!!

Canning and Sewing

This morning I woke in a great deal of pain.  Not the way I was hoping to start my day.  I spent the first part of the day in bed hoping the pain would go away.  I finished reading Wild Magic by Tamera Pierce.  It is one of my all time favorite books as is she one of my all time favorite authors.  Reading helped me get through some of my pain.  Unfortunately, I missed lunch with my class mates from the FTTP.  Once a month us girls have been trying to get together to keep in touch and support each other.  I also cancelled a makeup gig I was going to do tomorrow.  I was really looking forward to the money it would bring in as well as working with Dan and Maria again but I did not want to leave them in the larch incase the pain did not subside by tomorrow.   Maybe not the wisest move since the money would probably paid my book bill for UNM this semester.  Ah well, easy come easy go.  

At about 1:00 I had had enough of laying around.  I could not stand to be bed ridden anymore even if I was in a lot of pain.  I got up and decided to go ahead with my plans for canning the grapes I had harvested yesterday from Nana's neighbor.  I got out the three grocery bags full of grapes and started washing.  

I found out several things in this process, the main one being canning concord grapes is not the easiest foray into the canning world.  If you do not know already concord grapes have seeds which means that you have to first boil the grapes then strain the juice out of the grapes before you can start the jelly making process.  It is a hot and sticky affair.  Though I will not be attempting to can these kind of grapes again for a little while I did have a wonderful time.  It was enough to get my mind concentrating on something else so I was relatively pain free for about 3 hours.   I made 6 jars of somewhat runny jelly and I am very proud of it!

After the canning, I set to cutting out the pattern and material for the skirt I am making.  So far I enjoy cooking much more than sewing.  I may get burnt a bunch when cooking- and especially  canning- but it seems like a very small price to pay compared to getting stuck with pins all the time!  Ah well, I am learning quickly which way to set the pins so I do not get stuck in the future.

This homesteading thing is awfully hard.  Still the feelings of pride and accomplishment I get from making all of these things by hand instead of going out and buying them is well worth a few burns and stuck fingers.  

learning to be a "Godly woman"

I have been working on learning to be a "Godly woman" - I chuckle when I type this.  Kaleb had a homeschooling series for Mennonites (especially Mennonite girls) teaching you how do chores, cook, sew that kind of thing.  They referred to the skills in the book as learning to be a Godly Woman.  I found this highly amusing and it stuck with me for a long time.  

For anyone who knows me, you know that I have never been one to cook, I cannot stand cleaning, and being a housewife in general has not been my idea of fun.  

For some reason all of a sudden I started cooking.  At first it was an peach pie, now it has been chocolate pudding from almond milk, zucchini bread, and tonight biscuits and gravy.  Not only am I cooking but doing the dishes suddenly doesn't seem so much like a chore anymore, moping the floor, sweeping, cleaning the bathrooms, all of these things seem while not buckets of fun not horrible.  I love being out in the garden now and tending my chicks.  I have always wanted to homestead but before the idea of all the work involved seemed too much.  Now I am excited by the prospect!  

I love waking up early and working all day.  It makes me happy.  

Well, I better go start dinner before Dad gets home.  Many Blessings!

Free!

On Monday afternoon Megan came and took Kr to a treatment respite home.  She will be there a week before she travels out to meet her new adoptive family.  I pray that everything works out for Kr and for this new adoptive family.  

I know we must seem like a horribly fickle family to those of you reading not more than 4 posts ago I was talking about how we thought we might adopt Kr.  I wish I could make people understand what we have gone through in the past 7 (?) weeks- I've lost track of time- but that is an impossible task.  Even my Grandmother does not understand our glee and sadness too at having Kr gone.  The sadness is not that she is no longer here but that she has gone through so much and yet chooses to be angry, bitter, mean and not learn from all of her hard experiences.  People say "oh that is so sad"  "poor thing" "what a hard life she has gone through".  Yes, and yes to all of those things but she has chosen not to learn and grow in positive ways from each new hardship.  She constantly looks on the negative.  she does not have empathy for others (or at least much) and she will constantly try and best you by having had a worst day or know more than you or in whatever way you can think of.  Look up ODD and you might have the tinniest idea of what we have been dealing with.  However, the arguing once or twice a week (?!) that is a laugh how about once or twice an hour or a half hour or every ten minutes. 

I hope for only the best for her.  I pray that this new family she will be entering has the skills and the knowhow to handle her issues.  I pray that she can learn to love, trust, and be happy! 

Now it is time for us to be happy again!!! 

sanity or insanity? that is the question...

HAHAHA...slightly mad.  I had no idea that things could get worse- but they could and did.  I was reading some of my latest blogs and well the annoyance- and that is all it was comparatively- I felt when Kr. first came into the house was nothing compared to the down right insanity that I am now feeling.  My mind is literally shutting down and breaking apart.  I simply cannot go into all of the details of what has been happening but tonight mom locked up all of our knives.  Before that it was the meds before that it was the computers and the phone.  This has been an on going nightmare- and yes I have literally been having nightmares about her too!   

Being scared of what each new temper tantrum/blowout will bring has become second nature.  I said last night that I did not believe she would ever do anything violent- she hasn't Done anything yet but I am no longer so certain that she will not.  she has "unintentionally" been beating up mom slowly but steadily.  I say "unintentionally" because all of them have "seemed" like accidents so far but after she says "sorry" she will often laugh.   Like to night she punched mom in the stomach.  She flung her arms out (she knew mom was siting right beside her- hard not to notice that) and smacked mom in the tummy.  Mom said "OW!" and Kr replied "sorry." then burst out laughing.   That was only the episode I could hear as mom was putting her to bed...I found out more once mom came out of her room.  

This is getting ridiculous.  We are all walking like zombies in our own home.  Exhausted (that is the only word i can think of right now but it does not adequately describe how we are actually feeling) from having to deal with the constant arguing, blowouts, and negativity.    I am so beyond being done.  I know the rest of the family feels the same way.  

One of the things I hate the most about this situation is how two faced she is.  She is so sickeningly sweet to other people that even mom's dear friend Barb who walks with mom every night could not/ would not believe the things we were telling her.  Finally Kr slipped up and showed her other face to Barb and now she believes us.  I feel so bad about thinking badly of B and S the adoptive parents who gave her up.  I get it now.  She had us taken in completely when we first met her.  We have only had to deal with her for almost 7 weeks and we are all DONE with her!  They had to deal with her for a lot longer.  

Am I thankful for this experience and the lessons I have been learning- yes.  Am I ready for this lesson and experience to be over?- YES!!!

Please Please PLEASE God let our next foster/adoption experience be filled with love and happiness and not heartache and insanity!  Please let the kids have very little to no problems.  Please let them have open hearts that are ready to love and Can love and please let them have easy wonderful personalities.  Maybe I am asking too much but after what we have gone through with the last adoption/foster experiences please let us be in for some happy times and good luck!  

Thank you

I'm going slightly mad

I'm going slightly mad...and i wish that i was just quoting the lyrics of a Queen song!

What is it about today that made me crazy?  maybe it was the fact that i have had to deal with at least 20 arguments (probably a lot more), angry glares, and general negativism from little sis.  Maybe its because we haven't been well informed by our social worker and so a scathing letter was written and a not so nice response was sent back to us. Now we maybe royally screwed because of angering the director of our adoption agency- we had every right to be pissed off and we were getting screwed either way.  Unfortunately, now things are out in the open and before they were being kept quiet.  Maybe it was because Dad got into a car crash today.  Or maybe its because I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to make sure this weird bug bite on my neck is not from a tick with lymes disease.  hmmm....hard to figure out what has sent me over the edge.  All i want right now is for little sis to be out of the house already! i cannot take much more of the resentment (on my end and hers) and the constant annoying, frustrating, down right stupid and dangerous (to herself) behaviors!  ARGH!!!!!!!!!! 

OK i better go face the music and have dinner with the family.  Pray I survive without saying anything too stupid.