the past can hurt

Tonight I went and saw the play "Rabbit Hole" with some of my friends.  It was amazing and gut wrenching.  I had no idea what I was walking into and though "hey, a play with some of my friends.  I can have a fun girly time-I really need that."  While, it was really wonderful to see my friends I am not sure "fun" is the word I would use for this play.  The play is about a family dealing with the accidental death of their 4 year old son.  Its about grief and how each person deals with it differently.  

The lights came up on the stage and the mother is talking to her sister all the while folding clothes.  As i watched the clothes get folded one by one I suddenly had the gut wrenching feeling of "Oh God no, please no, don't let it be about this....please." 

All of the emotions, all the grief of losing our kids, I thought I had dealt with came back rearing its head.  By the first few minutes I was barely holding on to the grief that swamped me.  By intermission, I has just barely held on to my tears.  By the second act, I was a goner.  Tears flowed, snot dripped, and grief overwhelmed me.  

I sit here typing this with a brick on my chest.  It was good this happened because I obviously need to deal with these feelings a bit more.  I cannot keep them hidden away, pushed in a dark corner of my heart and mind so that I do not accidently stumble upon it-in theory at least.  Unfortunately, or fortunately my heart and God knows better than I do and out comes the grief.  I will spend sometime honoring it then I will move on.  I won't ever lose it (because this kind of pain never truly goes away) but I can learn from it and move on so I can be ready to love our new kids with all my heart.