nope to the 5

Once again we have decided to say no to a group of children.  We had high hope about this group-even though we knew nothing more than their ages- but unfortunately there were some issues that we could not handle.  One of the children was sexually abused and was acting out on other children including his sibs.  It such a sad and horrible thing since in all other respects he seems like a very sweet child.  Really he just needs a lot of therapy and a family that does not have or want younger children.    I really believe that siblings should stay together but when one is hurting other it is time to separate them.  I am not saying they should not have any contact- no i think sib contact is a must! but live is the same house? no. 

Tension has been running rather high the last few days.  I know I have a fair share of the blame in that respect.  Kr has come to stay with us for a while- how long i do not know nor does anyone else at this point. She is a lot like me, at least when I was her age.  She is of course going through a lot of really hard stuff because of losing yet another family.  I cannot even imagine how hard it must be.  Every time she calls B and S mom and dad it breaks my heart. I think because of this she is extra clingy.  Its perfectly understandable but it is also annoying the heck out of me.   I think its my little girl in me that is annoyed because the adult me understands what she is doing.  The little girl in me is pissed off that she is always around and that i never have time to spend with my mommy.  Irrational yes- but it is still there. It certainly does not help that i am going through a crap load of PMS right now on top of everything. I do not know how to deal with this.  I called Megan the director of La Familia, who is also Kr's social worker, yesterday because she said that if I needed to talk she would make time for me.  Unfortunately she never returned my call.  I feel like I am going crazy with all of these stupid and childish emotions.  

To make things even harder, mom has said that she is basically waiting on me to make her decision about Kr.  If i can work through this stuff because if i can then we will probably move ahead with adopting Kr- or at least fostering her long term.  I know that she means that she will not pick Kr over me but I hate that it comes down to whether or not i can get over my crap.  I don't know how.  I am really trying but I find myself shutting down.  I guess I will have to see what the next few hours and days bring.  Maybe something will just snap one way or another. 

 I am really crappy with change.  I try hard to be flexible and easy going but I am pretty bad at it.  I am sure a lot of these feeling just have to do with the changes that we are going through as a family, along with the similar personality traits, and the PMS... all of those combined are making me go crazy and depressing the heck out of me.

Despite all of this I really do like Kr a lot.